Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 6 - Biggest Enemy

So, I'm afraid to raise children, because I'm lazy? Maybe because I'm afraid to pass my unhealthy genes? My illnesses? Am I afraid to see a suffering child specially when the reason is me along?

Is it maybe because I met a partner who agreed to a partnership without children? Even though I really want to believe Love, I know it fades. I mean I believe love as a solid thing but the affection slowly fades. Is it evolved in that way to populate the gene pool with variety. Love and affection are initially there to make a couple go crazy and make children. But then children become a reason for them to hold on to each other. I've stayed almost 10 years married and I now know somethings are meant to be learnt by firsthand experience. I'm happy with the decisions I've made and I'm pretty sure that in a way or another, I'll end up being the same me. But I know many relationships would make the offspring varied. Not my problem though.

What drives people to keep reproducing? Whatever it is, it is always a winner.

If you don't have children, you should be on alert for another thing. Make yourself busy. Occupy your mind in something. Otherwise, the boredom will make you go nuts. Usual days with your partner might make you want to get out of the same routing and would end up damaging the relationship. So, you must maintain a 'happening' life.

Some people make kids and say that they wanted kids just for the sake of their lust of having kids. They don't expect the kids to look after them when they are old so basically, they are just parents with no regrets. They just make kids and let them go out to the society. Not expecting anything else from the kid. So ultimately the only thing they gain from making kids is the happiness of looking after them and see them being grown into adults.

If you really need the joy of having kids you can have it in many other ways. Adopt a dog and you can have the joy of looking after it and watching it growing into an adult and expect nothing from it. I know it's rude to say. So, All I say is making a child is an option. If you feel it's worthy, go for it. And remember you have to stay with them for some time. Otherwise, you are cruel even than me.

Speaking of releasing children to the society, I recently visited one of my friends and the last time I visited him is for his wedding. How he's a father of 2 kids, 8 and 2 years old and the 8 year one is a disaster. He's trying to show himself off to us strangers. He was climbing trees and riding his bicycle with hands off. We took them a pack of chocolates and the parcel was on a chair. I called the guy and said we bought it for him and he can take it. But he was so shy to take the chocolate in front of us. That's how exactly we were when we were young. We were afraid of strangers because there wasn't many. And what I felt is, this young fellow must do everything his father did and whatever he become, he'll be living the same life. We call it life but it's just the nature (Or whatever) surviving through another body.

It says people need a hope to live. It's a fundamental thing as I've noticed. In many days my hope of the day is to have a tea or pulp drink with a cigarette in the evening. Then maybe have a cigarette before sleeping. Just two hopes to run. Less fuel for life.

If you considered it more, living without hope is the real challenge. It doesn't mean you have to face it. But for some, living in the edge could be the meaning of life. Not making the next generation.

We try to give huge meanings to the word 'love'. We try to give it universal values, but practically the word 'love' exists in stereotype form in the world. The hardest thing is to maintain love without any expectations. If it is not reflected in the social or family system, it will lose its value. Love has a definition. If your love doesn't fit, such love becomes lonely. But even being alone like that, maintaining love is a challenge. After two people fall in love, get married and have a child, other values are added to the bond between them. Even if it is a chemical thing for the survival of the system, we have given values to it. If you cross that line, the challenges faced by two people who are together just for love are huge. We think that those challenges are from the outside society, but the real challenge is between them. That's what makes living together just for love a challenge. You have to save your love from your selves because you are the biggest enemy of it.

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 5 - Time Scales

Now this series of posts are becoming lazy to write. But I have already drafted the framework of the posts. So even though I feel terribly sleepy, better complete this, post and put aside with my peace of mind. Since this is being written since 2018, when I see some of the early ideas, I feel considered. Sometimes terrible. Am I the same person now?

I see how other people are struggling to survive. I see their struggle to make their kids strong. That's not easy. The world is rushing towards a severe condition to live. It's becoming worse in every way. Even These environmental situations are not good for kids. Air is polluted. It's getting hot. Food is poisoned. Medicine is even worse. Most of the medical practitioners are myth believing stupids. Humans are evolving into morons and they change their living surroundings into chaos. So if you think your child will be born into a better world, you are wrong. It's time to wake up. You have ruined the world just by existing on it. It won't get any better.

In assumption, most popular and major reason for all the climatic disasters we are yet to face is the population. We are consuming earth resources at a rate that the world cannot tolerate. So today's child will be suffering as an adult in the future than you do today.

You may argue that this ideology is against the nature. It's natures way to have kids and continue the genes isn't it?. Then I ask why? Humans have the ability to change their surroundings according to their comfort. Humans are defining the nature itself while being a part of it. Humans are the internal gear of nature. And since nature is everything, it's a failed statement itself.

And a child with either my kind of or her kind of genes will surely hate us for giving it it's life.

And all you want is fuck and have kids for your own satisfaction.

It's always debatable. So let's keep unborn children away from the equation. We really don't know how they'll feel when they are old enough to understand and question their existence. Most people don't bother questioning the existence today and the proportion of those kind will be the same.

And who knows, what if suddenly the world leaders become sensible and make decisions to undo the bad things happening. What if that lead the world to a heaven in 20 years? What if the world with it's inhabitants learned to coexist alone with all the disasters and pollution? What if animals ultimately evolved to survive the disaster. What if the polluted air becomes breathable? So many what-ifs... Isn't the future unpredictable?

The way we move is not good and that's a fact. But who am I to judge that? A human only live for about 70 years and earth is 4.5 billion years old. Individual ideas are merely tiny specks in it's timeline. 

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 4 - Choice matters...

Standing against a typical 'living the given way person' is not always easy. The whole system is built upon justifying their believes. So it's not an easy task arguing against them. Regarding children, we two are keeping our mouths shut all the time but there is always pressure in situations others put on us. Pressure still pushes me and I'm sure that it pushes her too. And I'm pretty sure that it will remain the same throughout our entire lifetime. (Well, at least till the age we are no longer capable if we lived that much) Also, I'm sure it's the same for all the people who live by their own set of rules set by their own choice. Choices people make derail them for an alternate direction, or to stand still. All of them are naturally becoming the victims of "standard" society. Even if the different style of them isn't hurting anyone, the heavy currents of the 'river of standards' continue to flood on them.

I know you might think of all of those points others make as irrelevant. But I'm making a point here about the people we have to deal with. There's nothing more to that. Believe what you think correct and that belief must based on solid grounds. Understanding other people is a way to distinguish yourself among them and it's important to know them in that aspect. So if you plan to have an alternate decision, your partner or anyone who cares about you should be concerned. How would the decision affect them?

I'm worried about her because of that. Though we had the decision together, we are not always together. And sometimes people with an alternate choice are always trying to escape from a problem and easily falling into another one. It's always a life with unusual problems. Probably unexplored. The solutions are not properly studied. One has to find the best solution but it's like a blind test. Because it's always a new problem and there is not a moment like that before. Definitely not an accessible recorded version. If you are a heavy reader, you may have come across characters who faced a similar situation. But the solution may not be useful in the same way. Always have to find your way.

So the topic about the child was again on the table. And again we couldn't find any reason to make one. Things were not in there best state at that moment. So we buried it temporarily to consider in a moment we both feel comfortable. Probably a moment which is never going to come.

I can't help this post being this much longer, I intended to write something else but this isolation lead my hands to obey my mind and type the shit coming out without thinking twice.

The major reason I don't want a child is because I don't want to get out of the current zone of comfort. Don't want to give up the freedom I have. Even after being married, I am almost a free man. And I believe I have given that space to her too. I don't know how she took that either. But she seemed fine apparently. I know for sure that every stupid thing I did because I wanted to keep the connection.

Does 'she being fine' (Remember, she looked OK to me but she was not) mean that she doesn't need a kid? In the discussion, she had some logical reasons for not having kids might comfort her. But again I have doubts whether she really means that. She doesn't need a child all alone?
Or is it me? the reason? Am I not the person she wants to have her child?
Or maybe she had seriously thought that out and decided it's better for her to stay plain.

Only she knows.

To be continued

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 3 - The big J of others

If you are different, people won't let you be yourself in any manner and will always sneak in to your life in every possible way they can. If we put aside all the other nonsense you have to hear through your entire youth; the main goal in your life (despite doing an earning job) is getting married and have children. After that, they'll advice you on positioning yourself in bed in order to complete a fruitful sex experience that would definitely seed a child. Once you are done, these people won't satisfy enough staying there. After a year or two, they want you to have the second one. Maybe they'll advice you on how to make the baby in different sex than earlier by using ways you've never heard of. It will even not stop there. Then it's about how to select a better school for that child, where are the best (looking?) doctors, where to buy the best food, and soothsayers around the country who correctly predict what's wrong with the child and so on and so on...

Being child-free doesn't relieve you from any of that. Same problems will trouble you in different formats. It's even worse since your choice makes others nervous. And it's the most fundamental thing in their problem against you. But they will never talk about it. Probably they never even understand it. It's about the choice. A vast majority of people are living in a modeled life they are given at birth. They have even perfected it while growing in. They make very little obvious choices through-out their entire life. Hence, when they see someone having a different choice of living, it makes them terribly miserable. And they counter attack brutally by judging and pointing. Probably continuously reporting how good and complete their lives are compared to yours. They kind of enjoy repeating the same thing. If you see carefully, you'll easily understand that most of them are only good at that, rather than living an ordinary life. They want to know other's stuff and spread them. A way of life lived by our ancestors since long time ago. Well, if you don't understand any of this, it doesn't matter. You too are probably in the same pool and I don't want to argue. Because nothing matters.

My best friend at office is working at a different section and the countless chats between us are mostly about people at office. A little "Linda langa sangamaya" if you like to call it but it's between us. She has this neighboring colleague who is a young man; newly married and has become a father about a year ago who is a 'Cheeththe' by her definition. He's all nosy about she and me being good friends. Actually this friend of mine was the first person who helped me to mingle with this office after I got transferred here and she was a good friend since then. The taste for movies made the friendship a sustaining one. Her neighboring fellow is nosy about she being a friend of mine because I do not have many friends at office.

Sorry if I got off topic but believe me it's all here to set the background. This is just one person. There's more and I probably will not talk about them here. Recently, this fellow has asked her whether I drink with my wife. She knows I do but she just had asked him back to inquire me directly if he has anything to know about my family. She told me the story furiously with a hateful tone. She is not married and having a relationship with a person. In a nutshell, she also is living a life with a choice. This neighboring fellow has a problem with people with choice.

Few months back he had a problem with me because I watch so many movies. He told he don't have any time to watch a movie because he has to take care of his child when he's at home. And now he has the urge to know whether I drink with my wife. And he's just the perfect example of the many people you'd find around.

They have this blistering problem with people who live by a choice. They want to know what those "Odd" people get by being "Odd". They want to know why they are not satisfied even while having everything the standard model of life expects.

They have a huge J against people with a choice.



To be Continued ...

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 2 - how much you know of your partner

I never wanted a typical married life then. And even now I think marriage destroys relationships. It pulls flying people to ground and glue them tight without letting them fly again. And then it continues as a typical "marriage". Things as bills, various expenses, monthly commitments and family responsibilities become the main reason to be together than anything else. Didn't want that. Didn't wanna kill myself. Wanted to keep loving. Wanted a perfect love. And that's the idiot I was. Should have known that there is no such thing as perfect love.

But in Sri Lanka, there's no possible way of living like that. Whether you like it or not, if you want to have sex with the woman you love, unless it's a sex intedded one, you have to marry her. And let her parents be happily sleeping knowing their daughter holding hands with a legally bonded man. Also for your parents to be satisfied ultimately, thinking their son will behave responsibly and follow the targets to become a man accumilating stuff as wealth, which they consider as the key to prosperity.

So we had to think and decide whether we want to live together for the foreseeable future. The decision was firm and we never talked about it much then and even after, until recently.

And that question lead to many things.

I thought to ask her whether we should consider about a kid because I felt she was suffering from being a No-child woman. But I never had any idea how deep her feelings could have been hurt on that matter. Sometimes I couldn't even tollerate people asking about kids from me. Those people get amazed by hearing that we don't have kids even after being married for 5 years. Some people have tried to convince me to go to see a specific monk or a doctor who treats for those situations. No kids situations. And believe me there are a lot of married couples who are in need of kids and don't have the capacity. It's some kind of a physical or mental problem and there are a lot of people doing treatmets for that. In fact it's kind of an industry. But I don't know how many couples succeeded following those.

So when a couple don't want kids by their choice, people can't beleive it. I got used to keep my mouth shut than trying to explain it to people who ask. Because lot of people don't really know about having a choice. And I knew she had been facing the same situation double time.

She never talked much but I felt her sorrow in occasions when the subject was on the table. Maybe it's not entirely on that, it seems she got bored on how her life moves on. And I'm sure she was bored of me too. As for every other couple, boredom was slowly overcoming our lives. So the question I asked about children lead to many other questions about our relationship. After many heart breaking sessions, for good or bad, life continues. Still!

Problem is, is she strong enough to face the society as a no-mother? She seems to be standing firm in many other cases, but this is in a different level and I'm not sure how she handles that. What if she's sufering under her blanket? What if she secretly blaming me and her self, and our marriage?

For me to have kids, there's no reason other than the need to keep the relationship with her intact. (Poor me, I thought she'll never leave me if we had a baby) If a baby is going to add additional stability to our lives, I'd probably enjoy being in it. But as per the experience so far with the people, I don't think a kid is the ideal solution to keep the stability of a family.

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 1 - A journey of a loner

Why people make kids? It's obvious that one cannot answer that just after a moments thought. Though it seems a simple question, It's actually a complex one to answer if you gave it a real thought. The simple and obvious reason is that there is no simple correct answer. Neither an incorrect one.

When I was in my first affair at the school age, I told her let's make two kids. That was a nasty, flowered and colored time with butterflies, tweeting birds and a lot of hype about 'love' we ideolized from romantic Hindi movies and we knew very little of the reality. And of course I was the smaller version of the child I am now at the time and life was not that much serious. Those affairs were started not because we really needed them but because everyone else were having one. All of the guys and gals were starting their relationships and I never wanted to be the lonely one even though I realized later, thats the kind of man I am. Thinking of those make me feel confused about the decisions I make today.

And yeah I got mocked by that girls' friend squad as a miserable person who doesn't seem to be the one appearing. As I WAS a loner and mostly minding my own thing, they must have thought I'm the same calm man inside. But I was not. Words and moments are needed when you want to love. And they had told her that I was in a hurry for the future. A family. Because we had our future planned with two kids at that little age.

After that, in those relationships came afterwards, the children count drop to one. And the talks about children were never serious. It was just a stable statement of that time regarding family life, even though I had never settled to get in to a family. But most of the girls were not in to that except the specific skinny girl at the BIT class. She told that she'd be satisfied with a single child as she doesn't believe her skinny body can bear more than one. I laughed mentioning that, her mother who came to drop her to the class was not skinny and she'd become like her mother one day.

But as I remember, other girls never even had an idea about that. They were typical girls you see everywhere. They think they are specific but I was sure that they'd fall in to the same character their mothers were. Just a bit upgraded.

During the years, I met various people in various mindsets. I think that early 2000s was the time I got matured in many ways. Identifying people, dealing with many type of them. Finding a safer state to stand on etc.. etc... And my ideas about a family and kids were also evolved. I newer wanted to get into a married life. And children? Sorry. No children. So, the topic never appeared after that with the girls. In-fact, the whole idea of being in a relationship was deteriorated. I was good being alone.

Till I found this girl online. She was also a bit miserable, individual, had many versions, many unique thoughts on many things. We had many discussions about many things and man that was a time I even love to be back again today.

And slowly as I understood her, she electrified me repairing the old drained veins inside and made me pop the question.

Her answer was effected on the decision we took to get tangled and ultimately get married. But many interesting things we found in each other meant we could lead to a great life together. (Well, define 'great'. Is it wealthiness or peace of mind or something else?) But upon the things we agreed, 'having no kids' was one. We had it clearly decided.

To be continued...

Sorry and Thanks

When things are not right, sorry and thanks are the words to keep the relationship intact. When it is not right, the participants tend to misunderstand each other so they always say sorry and also when things are not right participants want to show the gratitude intentionally so they use thanks more often. That's why sorry and thanks are the saviours of a drying relationship

Emptiness!

https://www.quora.com/Whos-more-likeable-The-Road-Runner-or-Wile-E-Coyote

Dear unknown friend,

You know I tried to explain this but it's really hard. Emptiness of me. It's not the same emptiness what you have. What you described and what I understood via the movie 'Addicted'. My emptiness is something different. It's like understanding that there is nothing to gain. And having to live with people who want to gain. Adjusting myself for them while being empty and undesired inside.

It's like looking for something so desperately. Then finding it and realising that there is nothing ahead. What if someone doesn't have anything to posess?

I think you remember the cartoon Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote runs behind the Roadrunner and trying to catch it with various scientific and unimaginable ways. And then he never get succeeded. But before few years back I saw Facebook post with images. It's about what happens to Coyote when it catches the roadrunner. He is becoming desperate. In his entire life, he's been chasing the roadrunner and it was what he had in his mind for his entire life time. So he couldn't imagine that he has a life beyond chasing Roadrunner. Only after the Roadrunner is caught and eaten by him, he realises that now his life has no meaning at all.

That's the Emptiness I have. That's the Emptiness I am trying to resolve. It's hard because I have only spend one third of my life and I have responsibilities at least for few people. But I have nothing to expect to be happened to me. For the rest of my life.

And I am worrying because of the people around me who still loves me and expecting from me. Even though they don't expect, it's my responsibility. It has become my responsibility. So it's hard for an Empty person to be the responsible person.

Thinking about that also flushes me towards a black hole where I stuck and being miserable and being empty.

Democratic Marriage

Weird topic. You might not have had any thought about it even if you are a married person.

Does democracy exists in typical Sri Lankan marriages? If it does, to what extent? I usually see couples with arguments or total obedience from one part. There are exceptions but those are really weird relationships and surely not democratic.

Does anyone have to take things into hand and decide what the other need? It's dictatorship when it comes to politics. But in a marriage, is it the only way to keep things go smoothly?

The dictator part is usually done by the man. Not the women. Unless it's about who has the real dick in the family. Yes it could be the woman.

Somehow it seems, to be able to run a family smoothly and with complements from the fucking society, a dictator is a must in the family.

Otherwise it'll be weird and the democratic will be treated as a weak freak obviously.

So does listening and giving equal choice to your counterpart would cause you problems when it comes to family matters?

Seems democracy in relationships is just an illusion only pathetic lovers have in their dreams.