Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 1 - A journey of a loner

Why people make kids? It's obvious that one cannot answer that just after a moments thought. Though it seems a simple question, It's actually a complex one to answer if you gave it a real thought. The simple and obvious reason is that there is no simple correct answer. Neither an incorrect one.

When I was in my first affair at the school age, I told her let's make two kids. That was a nasty, flowered and colored time with butterflies, tweeting birds and a lot of hype about 'love' we ideolized from romantic Hindi movies and we knew very little of the reality. And of course I was the smaller version of the child I am now at the time and life was not that much serious. Those affairs were started not because we really needed them but because everyone else were having one. All of the guys and gals were starting their relationships and I never wanted to be the lonely one even though I realized later, thats the kind of man I am. Thinking of those make me feel confused about the decisions I make today.

And yeah I got mocked by that girls' friend squad as a miserable person who doesn't seem to be the one appearing. As I WAS a loner and mostly minding my own thing, they must have thought I'm the same calm man inside. But I was not. Words and moments are needed when you want to love. And they had told her that I was in a hurry for the future. A family. Because we had our future planned with two kids at that little age.

After that, in those relationships came afterwards, the children count drop to one. And the talks about children were never serious. It was just a stable statement of that time regarding family life, even though I had never settled to get in to a family. But most of the girls were not in to that except the specific skinny girl at the BIT class. She told that she'd be satisfied with a single child as she doesn't believe her skinny body can bear more than one. I laughed mentioning that, her mother who came to drop her to the class was not skinny and she'd become like her mother one day.

But as I remember, other girls never even had an idea about that. They were typical girls you see everywhere. They think they are specific but I was sure that they'd fall in to the same character their mothers were. Just a bit upgraded.

During the years, I met various people in various mindsets. I think that early 2000s was the time I got matured in many ways. Identifying people, dealing with many type of them. Finding a safer state to stand on etc.. etc... And my ideas about a family and kids were also evolved. I newer wanted to get into a married life. And children? Sorry. No children. So, the topic never appeared after that with the girls. In-fact, the whole idea of being in a relationship was deteriorated. I was good being alone.

Till I found this girl online. She was also a bit miserable, individual, had many versions, many unique thoughts on many things. We had many discussions about many things and man that was a time I even love to be back again today.

And slowly as I understood her, she electrified me repairing the old drained veins inside and made me pop the question.

Her answer was effected on the decision we took to get tangled and ultimately get married. But many interesting things we found in each other meant we could lead to a great life together. (Well, define 'great'. Is it wealthiness or peace of mind or something else?) But upon the things we agreed, 'having no kids' was one. We had it clearly decided.

To be continued...

Sorry and Thanks

When things are not right, sorry and thanks are the words to keep the relationship intact. When it is not right, the participants tend to misunderstand each other so they always say sorry and also when things are not right participants want to show the gratitude intentionally so they use thanks more often. That's why sorry and thanks are the saviours of a drying relationship

Absolute reality

Absolute reality can't be told. If someone say something and say it's true, it's not. It's just another altered version of the absolute truth. In fact absolute truth is not existing once it's happened. Every told story of it is not real. Just the version of the story teller. Thing is there could be an entire other truth out there.

This way the truth is always changing. Because a new version is made soon after it repeated. The repeated version is a new version. Not an exact copy.

A perfect clone cannot be made.

And if we took the meaning of the words into the account, we may want to know the absolute true meaning of each word. So the idea is chaos in itself. So an argument can be raised as that there is no absolute reality. I agree, should there be an absolute one?

Actually it doesn't matter.

All that matters is the reality cannot be told as it is. The only practical part is that no one tells the truth.

Emptiness!

https://www.quora.com/Whos-more-likeable-The-Road-Runner-or-Wile-E-Coyote

Dear unknown friend,

You know I tried to explain this but it's really hard. Emptiness of me. It's not the same emptiness what you have. What you described and what I understood via the movie 'Addicted'. My emptiness is something different. It's like understanding that there is nothing to gain. And having to live with people who want to gain. Adjusting myself for them while being empty and undesired inside.

It's like looking for something so desperately. Then finding it and realising that there is nothing ahead. What if someone doesn't have anything to posess?

I think you remember the cartoon Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote runs behind the Roadrunner and trying to catch it with various scientific and unimaginable ways. And then he never get succeeded. But before few years back I saw Facebook post with images. It's about what happens to Coyote when it catches the roadrunner. He is becoming desperate. In his entire life, he's been chasing the roadrunner and it was what he had in his mind for his entire life time. So he couldn't imagine that he has a life beyond chasing Roadrunner. Only after the Roadrunner is caught and eaten by him, he realises that now his life has no meaning at all.

That's the Emptiness I have. That's the Emptiness I am trying to resolve. It's hard because I have only spend one third of my life and I have responsibilities at least for few people. But I have nothing to expect to be happened to me. For the rest of my life.

And I am worrying because of the people around me who still loves me and expecting from me. Even though they don't expect, it's my responsibility. It has become my responsibility. So it's hard for an Empty person to be the responsible person.

Thinking about that also flushes me towards a black hole where I stuck and being miserable and being empty.

Things you find in the beach

http://www.waddingtonbrown.co.uk/events/wellbeing-approach-better-mental-health/

Beach is my friend. It's vast opening just to air, water and sand makes me feel lightened. And maybe giving a calm state of mind to consider things in at least few other angles.

I remember the very first time I was at the sea. I was about 5 and the beach was around Negombo I guess. We were at Katunayaka for a wedding of a cousin. She was way more older than me. And she was the daughter of one of my Fathers elder brothers. I was there with my aunt and few other relations from my home town. And from as a boy from up country grew in a mountain surrounded town, I was freaked in many ways to experience the sea.

I remember riding a bike with Akki, Bappa and Sanaa Aiya. Sanaa Aiya was also a cousin way older than me and he was the younger brother of the cousin which was up to got married. Four of us rid the bike to beach and I was freaked to death at the very first time because I felt I was dragged to the water by the waves under my feet.

And it was there for a very long time until I figure out it's just the movement of sand I feel.

When the waves sweep back to the sea, under your feet, you struggle a bit to keep straight. At least you feel it happens. But there's nothing you can do about it. Does it mean you are helpless?

It says beach heals wounds. It's scientifically correct in a way because salt can kill germs in wounds. But what if you don't need the wound to be cured? What if an old wound is something we like to keep fresh by poking it time to time. What if the wound keeps coming back even if we wanted it to be cured. What if the wound reminds you of sweet memories? The joy of the memory surpasses the pain from the wound and yeah, welcome old wounds!

Beach would not be able to cure a wound unless you don't want it to. It'll just drag the sand back to sea under your feet. And you know when it does because you feel it. Because you are a human being.

Sometimes being ignorant is the key to survival. Letting things flow under your feet sometimes keeps you away from the danger. Sometimes less you know is better. Or keeping the things you know aside and stay foolish is also better for the equilibrium. Or is it?

Does equilibrium matters?

Bonds

Hate will kill the love

Which is still there

Is it worth being responsible

For a marriage which is sick

As you say prayers

Love is just words

Marriage could be artificial

While actual love is elsewhere

How much the truth is bitter

Can't hide without facing

The truth only you know

Why hiding it with a lie

It could be a blood or word bond

But there's no meaning without trust

If unbounding frees life unlimited

Why still living with this bond

When reality strikes!

theodysseyonline.com/is-this-all-real

It's what I always wanted. kick the reality off and live in a dream. I'm being succeeded in ways but have failed at most of the times.

There's nothing to do about it when it strikes than expressing the tension. The tension of being an unabled inside the cruel reality.

Reality...

It's harder than anything I find. Always harder than the hardest thing. It's simply the ultimate. And when it strikes, it strikes harder than ever. Wanting one to be depressed and just switch off to wild.

And wild being also a part of reality, there's no way to go other than facing it. Facing the ruthless truth of loneliness. No matter what or who you have around, in reality you are alone.

Democratic Marriage

Weird topic. You might not have had any thought about it even if you are a married person.

Does democracy exists in typical Sri Lankan marriages? If it does, to what extent? I usually see couples with arguments or total obedience from one part. There are exceptions but those are really weird relationships and surely not democratic.

Does anyone have to take things into hand and decide what the other need? It's dictatorship when it comes to politics. But in a marriage, is it the only way to keep things go smoothly?

The dictator part is usually done by the man. Not the women. Unless it's about who has the real dick in the family. Yes it could be the woman.

Somehow it seems, to be able to run a family smoothly and with complements from the fucking society, a dictator is a must in the family.

Otherwise it'll be weird and the democratic will be treated as a weak freak obviously.

So does listening and giving equal choice to your counterpart would cause you problems when it comes to family matters?

Seems democracy in relationships is just an illusion only pathetic lovers have in their dreams.

Bubbles

geethaprodhom.wordpress.com

Suddenly there were bubbles

lots of lots of bubbles

and there was skyfull of joy

and there was divining music

and surrounding...

there was that happy feeling

and hopes and light and

heart beating...

she gazed at him

he gazed at her

love caring and just

all the things they say...

was there

in between he and her

gazing on each

And then the bubbles were gone

took some time but gone

one or two or three

or just 50 of those bubbles

on occasions

but yes...

the bubbles were gone

they weren't gazing

not anymore

They were drowning

Not gazing at each other

He felt happy, drowning with her

he felt complete whatsoever

after all, it was with her

but she was speechless

thinking, not gazing

she has to follow the dream

it’s not in the bottom

it’s up there in bubbles

she let him go and swim up

bubbles again… bubbles

he was still drowning

it was the end

and there was just one bubble

one last bubble

which came to her

but busy with the bubbles

she missed that one bubble

Love as a complete something else...

We had an argument a week ago and there was pain. And now everything has cooled down to a regular state and there is a new feeling. Yes, about the same thing. It's like a revolution. A new life. A new wave.

As I believe, This phase is where we climb in to another peak of life where the fall begins again.

But while those everything is being processed in the background, I still know my love is there. And It's living rather than just being. I have and really got embedded the feeling in to my whole body and mind while we are arguing or just being happy.

It that love? It's just knowing it's there?

A regular one

Few months ago, I wrote a post in sinhalese about a friend who was going to be married to his girl friend from the affair which I caused the spark. Now they are preparing for their first child to be born and I guess the baby is gonna come out soon.

Now my friend is in a track of being a regular person with regular needs and responsibilities. He's an IT lecturer for a military academy and starting an institute for IT training. He invited me to participate with a subject or too. Since I'm not interested in lecturing and teaching at all, I was confused with his proposal and made a bunch of reasons to avoid it. I told I'm not after money and hence do not need to do extra work other than the job I'm doing. But he insisted. He told me that money is not a matter now but soon it will be and money is the key for a better living.

I already knew that and avoided to be the regular man who needs that everything and a better life. But it's how the world rotate. I'm not able to travel counter wise?

He's being the regular person which I hate to be but seems I'm going to consider his invitation. Not because I need money but to get out of what I am now. May be It'll pull me out of the pool of laziness.

But fuck, I do not need to be a regular one.

Pain is single sided!

Yes! love may be something worth sharing. But pain is single sided for sure. While everyone and even everything around you are trying to make you feel better, you are thinking that it's not gonna happen. And pain is still inside without being able to be cooled down.

The story is the same for the other side too. It's worth looking what the other side feels but since it's still single sided, You'll never find it out! The only even fact in both sides are that both sides are thinking the heavy side is theirs'. How ever the pain cannot be shared no matter who the person is. But it can be forgotten. Time is the best solution for that while those lots of other solutions are just make it crappy.

And still, the pain is single sided!

Let it be.

Each and every time this happens, I feel sorrow. And even if it's not my fault entirely, I'm taking the heavy side in to my shoulder and having suffered. Letting her to be cool down. Yes it's not her fault too but the situation is complicated as ever. That's how the things are and I'm wondering again about where the relationship of me and her is going to end up. Here we can never finger anyone while the other side always get the idea in an own special way. It's just like realizing something entirely different!

But the sorrow is painful regardless of the person. She is suffering as I know and she's not afraid of showing it irrespectively. Making me the idiot.

The ultimate thought I'm always being slapped is whether I'm fulfilling her dreams or not. As a person with no dreams at all and also as a person who wants to think just about the moment (even it's not possible at all), it's a hard life. And love is even harder after it became the same which I was being tired of. But when... again to the start, love is the reason I'm going to survive for. So love...

Could it be more than the same?

Do I have to stay calm as I'm being always? Does it solve the problem?

Or shall I let it be... as always...

Blog history

When I started blogging in sinhala, I used to write at least once a week or maybe some more. Then the rate dropped slightly when the ideas were no more bloggable. It doesn't mean the idea is not worth blogging but the weight it felt to me is not that much special to think as that it should be posted. It's the nature of the people. As every new thing comes to our life is much appreciated and hugged but after a few days it becomes usual and being not that much special. I cared for my mobile phone a lot when the days I brought it but after sometime it was nothing more than a phone to me.

I think it's the same theory with the ideas too. When a blog started and after we started blogging, It becomes our passion and we live on it for sometime. Since it makes us a little domain of ours to work with and because we get the appreciation we seek, Blogging make us available... for the rest of the world to see. And it's a kind of a place which we can pretend as the person we really want to be.

In my case, I was just using my yahoo mail account to forward mails and internet was nothing more to me. I've been doing that for almost 5-6 years until one day around April 2008, I got the membership of a local community site. It was a turning point of my life and that decision changed my life forever. Within few months I became a blogger and was enjoying it very much. As I mentioned earlier, it was the way I made myself cleared. The way I spared my thoughts and stuff.

After I met a girl, She vampired me and all my thoughts were pumping directly in to her. There was no need for me to write a blog since I was not having any thoughts left.

I still have the girl with me and the pumping process is not the same today. So there are some leftovers available.