Emptiness!

https://www.quora.com/Whos-more-likeable-The-Road-Runner-or-Wile-E-Coyote

Dear unknown friend,

You know I tried to explain this but it's really hard. Emptiness of me. It's not the same emptiness what you have. What you described and what I understood via the movie 'Addicted'. My emptiness is something different. It's like understanding that there is nothing to gain. And having to live with people who want to gain. Adjusting myself for them while being empty and undesired inside.

It's like looking for something so desperately. Then finding it and realising that there is nothing ahead. What if someone doesn't have anything to posess?

I think you remember the cartoon Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote runs behind the Roadrunner and trying to catch it with various scientific and unimaginable ways. And then he never get succeeded. But before few years back I saw Facebook post with images. It's about what happens to Coyote when it catches the roadrunner. He is becoming desperate. In his entire life, he's been chasing the roadrunner and it was what he had in his mind for his entire life time. So he couldn't imagine that he has a life beyond chasing Roadrunner. Only after the Roadrunner is caught and eaten by him, he realises that now his life has no meaning at all.

That's the Emptiness I have. That's the Emptiness I am trying to resolve. It's hard because I have only spend one third of my life and I have responsibilities at least for few people. But I have nothing to expect to be happened to me. For the rest of my life.

And I am worrying because of the people around me who still loves me and expecting from me. Even though they don't expect, it's my responsibility. It has become my responsibility. So it's hard for an Empty person to be the responsible person.

Thinking about that also flushes me towards a black hole where I stuck and being miserable and being empty.

Things you find in the beach

http://www.waddingtonbrown.co.uk/events/wellbeing-approach-better-mental-health/

Beach is my friend. It's vast opening just to air, water and sand makes me feel lightened. And maybe giving a calm state of mind to consider things in at least few other angles.

I remember the very first time I was at the sea. I was about 5 and the beach was around Negombo I guess. We were at Katunayaka for a wedding of a cousin. She was way more older than me. And she was the daughter of one of my Fathers elder brothers. I was there with my aunt and few other relations from my home town. And from as a boy from up country grew in a mountain surrounded town, I was freaked in many ways to experience the sea.

I remember riding a bike with Akki, Bappa and Sanaa Aiya. Sanaa Aiya was also a cousin way older than me and he was the younger brother of the cousin which was up to got married. Four of us rid the bike to beach and I was freaked to death at the very first time because I felt I was dragged to the water by the waves under my feet.

And it was there for a very long time until I figure out it's just the movement of sand I feel.

When the waves sweep back to the sea, under your feet, you struggle a bit to keep straight. At least you feel it happens. But there's nothing you can do about it. Does it mean you are helpless?

It says beach heals wounds. It's scientifically correct in a way because salt can kill germs in wounds. But what if you don't need the wound to be cured? What if an old wound is something we like to keep fresh by poking it time to time. What if the wound keeps coming back even if we wanted it to be cured. What if the wound reminds you of sweet memories? The joy of the memory surpasses the pain from the wound and yeah, welcome old wounds!

Beach would not be able to cure a wound unless you don't want it to. It'll just drag the sand back to sea under your feet. And you know when it does because you feel it. Because you are a human being.

Sometimes being ignorant is the key to survival. Letting things flow under your feet sometimes keeps you away from the danger. Sometimes less you know is better. Or keeping the things you know aside and stay foolish is also better for the equilibrium. Or is it?

Does equilibrium matters?

When reality strikes!

theodysseyonline.com/is-this-all-real

It's what I always wanted. kick the reality off and live in a dream. I'm being succeeded in ways but have failed at most of the times.

There's nothing to do about it when it strikes than expressing the tension. The tension of being an unabled inside the cruel reality.

Reality...

It's harder than anything I find. Always harder than the hardest thing. It's simply the ultimate. And when it strikes, it strikes harder than ever. Wanting one to be depressed and just switch off to wild.

And wild being also a part of reality, there's no way to go other than facing it. Facing the ruthless truth of loneliness. No matter what or who you have around, in reality you are alone.

An unpleasant moment

I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time today. It was the most unpleasant moment since…. Well, I don’t know… a long time. And to be honest, I have a sadly toned empty feeling that my appearance there made the moment more dirty. Though I had no other option, I had to stay dumb. And I have to suffer myself for that!

What if you were blamed by your superior in front of another colleague? Yes it surely is the most horrible thing to imagine at the office. And I’m sure that you’ll not agree on that without a second thought. Not only you and me, the management standards or anyone into the management study won’t agree with that. But it’s how the public offices run and hence the country runs!

An administrative officer (A lady who’s being prepared to be in civil service) with over 25 years of experience blamed on a young officer (A young girl who was doing her first job) with just one year experience. That was not fare to the extreme as I noticed. But I had no option as mentioned before. Her fault was not important but something she was been notified before. She had done it again with her mistake and had to take the blame and it was awful. I was doing a file search on the computer in the adjoining compartment which is separated with just a glass without window blinds. So the superior knew I was there and wanted me to get the massage as well, not because I’m doing the same mistake but because she wanted to show off. I couldn’t go away since I had to download the file for tomorrow's reference. Her voice was noisy of course. If I was not there at the moment, the girl might not have heard that much crap. (Thanks Ingirisi)

As I’ve learned, read and experienced, this is not an acceptable behavior by any superior and not the way to win the employees. Affirmatively not the best way for manage. She should have talk to the girl and explained. But all she did was shouting like she was having a pain in the ass. And that’s how the problems are being solved here. I guess this is the same with all the government offices. If not, hell you are a happy one.

The admin officer mentioned that the young officer should have read the protocols for the issue and first understand the situation before asking for advice from her. And she also mentioned that she’s not worth doing the subject and she’s the most unworthy person in the section. WTF! Does anyone say that to someone? I’m not that much educated but yes I understood it’s not good!

And the girl was crying for half an hour and was ashamed of facing me. I tried to be like I never heard anything but I was just fooling myself.

What’s important is what I thought later. If the admin officer is offending someone inferior as not qualified for the post. What about herself? Does anyone superior to her notifying that? I guess not, that’s the problem with the government sector. Unqualified people for decision making posts. And they take decisions hence drag the entire system to chaos.

All they have is a certificate which they earned from sleepless cramming. Have they got the human essence? How can someone expect efficient service from anyone if he’s not satisfied with the environment? But that’s how it is.

That’s how human resource is managed in government sector.

Judge a person all by yourself and...

Most of the times in my life, I’m being idle as a lazy person. Sometimes it’s giving me troubles but it’s who I am after all. People have to accept me on that condition even though I’m not in to make their plans unachieved.

So while doing various things which drives me time to time, I’m a lazy wimpy guy in a third of a quarter.

This is a time I spend most of the time being idle, doing nothing except the thing at the office. I also invented a smiley to simply identify ‘being nothing’. it’s <>. Just those lesser than and greater than symbols. That’s to mention that I’m being idle doing this and that and nothing specific. I text my girl that smiley when she asked ‘What the hell you are doing?’

So I’m so much not in to write this right now but the inner sorrow I suffered pulled myself into the terminal again.

It happened yesterday at the office. As we are the salary processing branch of a district office which process salaries of over 2000 employees, we were busy collecting and entering data to the database in past few holydays. Since there was a unofficial gossip saying the salary day is 22nd of February instead of 24th, We had to speed up the process in order to meet the deadline.

But a single member of the branch was missing. Let’s call her Akila. Akila is a newbie who started her duties about 5 months ago. She had given her line of work to another colleague (OK, her name was Geethika) and she was working as twice as much. Myself and my superior concerned the stuff and noticed some mistakes Akila had done. And those were some extreme mistakes, and surely not for the first time. Since we didn’t have proper authority to correct them, we had to wait for Akila to come and give her keys for the documents.

Until then we blamed on her with others. We blamed on her because she didn’t appear in a critical situation and for her irresponsibility for her work. We were in a total neglecting mood about her.

We never expected that the truth might be going to hurt us badly. But it happened. Akila’s story was revealed today, as a secret among few people. I’m not going to share it here but believe me it was so bad. She was hiding her problems from all of us and had her self being busy during working hours. It is an achievement to complete what she had completed before her absence. And the truth was shocking. And made our eyes wet, a little bit. And that sorrow was giving me a terrible pain during the whole day. I know it’s not going to get over by myself even after posting my thoughts here.

Never judge a person all by yourself.

That’s what I learnt from it. It was my mistake to blame her like that without knowing what the real story is. And the real story will never come out except by the coursing person him/herself. So without knowing the real situation, never blame a person. It’s surely hurt you later.

The root for my sorrow is that I believed myself as person who does not blame others like that. Yes, I’m usually not that kind of a person. I’m not a person who’ll take the first story as the truth and forget everything else. I’m usually giving all the others there chance and being the last one to have it. And even for ideas, I’m always keeping my stupid ideas for me while others are continuing with their stupider ideas. I’m just giving them the chance to have it all. Being satisfied with the things I already have.

But this! This suffers. I couldn’t see her face today after she came back from the vacation. I never spoke to her. I had her face visualized and noticed that there was a sad story inside her smile. And my superior and myself took a secret decision to help her out in her duties without letting her know.

That’s the least thing we can do to let her come out with her problems without thinking much about her work.