Emptiness!

https://www.quora.com/Whos-more-likeable-The-Road-Runner-or-Wile-E-Coyote

Dear unknown friend,

You know I tried to explain this but it's really hard. Emptiness of me. It's not the same emptiness what you have. What you described and what I understood via the movie 'Addicted'. My emptiness is something different. It's like understanding that there is nothing to gain. And having to live with people who want to gain. Adjusting myself for them while being empty and undesired inside.

It's like looking for something so desperately. Then finding it and realising that there is nothing ahead. What if someone doesn't have anything to posess?

I think you remember the cartoon Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote runs behind the Roadrunner and trying to catch it with various scientific and unimaginable ways. And then he never get succeeded. But before few years back I saw Facebook post with images. It's about what happens to Coyote when it catches the roadrunner. He is becoming desperate. In his entire life, he's been chasing the roadrunner and it was what he had in his mind for his entire life time. So he couldn't imagine that he has a life beyond chasing Roadrunner. Only after the Roadrunner is caught and eaten by him, he realises that now his life has no meaning at all.

That's the Emptiness I have. That's the Emptiness I am trying to resolve. It's hard because I have only spend one third of my life and I have responsibilities at least for few people. But I have nothing to expect to be happened to me. For the rest of my life.

And I am worrying because of the people around me who still loves me and expecting from me. Even though they don't expect, it's my responsibility. It has become my responsibility. So it's hard for an Empty person to be the responsible person.

Thinking about that also flushes me towards a black hole where I stuck and being miserable and being empty.

An unpleasant moment

I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time today. It was the most unpleasant moment since…. Well, I don’t know… a long time. And to be honest, I have a sadly toned empty feeling that my appearance there made the moment more dirty. Though I had no other option, I had to stay dumb. And I have to suffer myself for that!

What if you were blamed by your superior in front of another colleague? Yes it surely is the most horrible thing to imagine at the office. And I’m sure that you’ll not agree on that without a second thought. Not only you and me, the management standards or anyone into the management study won’t agree with that. But it’s how the public offices run and hence the country runs!

An administrative officer (A lady who’s being prepared to be in civil service) with over 25 years of experience blamed on a young officer (A young girl who was doing her first job) with just one year experience. That was not fare to the extreme as I noticed. But I had no option as mentioned before. Her fault was not important but something she was been notified before. She had done it again with her mistake and had to take the blame and it was awful. I was doing a file search on the computer in the adjoining compartment which is separated with just a glass without window blinds. So the superior knew I was there and wanted me to get the massage as well, not because I’m doing the same mistake but because she wanted to show off. I couldn’t go away since I had to download the file for tomorrow's reference. Her voice was noisy of course. If I was not there at the moment, the girl might not have heard that much crap. (Thanks Ingirisi)

As I’ve learned, read and experienced, this is not an acceptable behavior by any superior and not the way to win the employees. Affirmatively not the best way for manage. She should have talk to the girl and explained. But all she did was shouting like she was having a pain in the ass. And that’s how the problems are being solved here. I guess this is the same with all the government offices. If not, hell you are a happy one.

The admin officer mentioned that the young officer should have read the protocols for the issue and first understand the situation before asking for advice from her. And she also mentioned that she’s not worth doing the subject and she’s the most unworthy person in the section. WTF! Does anyone say that to someone? I’m not that much educated but yes I understood it’s not good!

And the girl was crying for half an hour and was ashamed of facing me. I tried to be like I never heard anything but I was just fooling myself.

What’s important is what I thought later. If the admin officer is offending someone inferior as not qualified for the post. What about herself? Does anyone superior to her notifying that? I guess not, that’s the problem with the government sector. Unqualified people for decision making posts. And they take decisions hence drag the entire system to chaos.

All they have is a certificate which they earned from sleepless cramming. Have they got the human essence? How can someone expect efficient service from anyone if he’s not satisfied with the environment? But that’s how it is.

That’s how human resource is managed in government sector.

My worthless Rs.500.00

Today I went to my doctor to get consulted (What the hell, are there any other reasons for me to go to a Doc?) on my asthma situation which strikes me occasionally in these cold days. He asked the same question repetitively mixing together. And finally gave me the same medicine which I took from him about 14 years ago. Yes, for asthma, this is the second time I'm consulting a doc for 14 years. And the damn same one! That's the miraculous power of that pill he gave me last time.

I’m just gossiping around without being to the point which caused me to write this.

After coming back, I posted an FB status update saying it took Rs. 500.00 away and I understood the real meaning of ‘Arogya parama labha’. A quote from the Buddha. It means ‘being healthy is profitable’ simply.

Then I realized it’s not worth sharing because I usually spend more than that in a month for alcohol plus sometimes for smoke. And I haven’t complained about that to anyone, not even to myself. I’m not even worrying of billing my expenses for alcohol, never will think of sharing something like “Spent Rs. 1000.00 for the party with my friends”. Regarding those expenses, this Rs. 500.00 after 14 years is negligible.
Then the real strike began. Am I unconsciously thinking that drinking is bad? Since that’s the sudden thought came in to me to avoid the sorrow of Rs. 500.00, am I really a cheater in drinking? It’s like saying this to myself. “You spend much more on worthless alcohol without a word and you just worry about this damn Rs. 500.00 which will gain your health back.” And it means I’m not approving my drinking habits.

I collapsed!

I gave it a thought and some weird ideas came in. There should be a way to get rid of this frustration on myself and on alcohol. So I rethought it as this. Expenses for drinking are usual and it’s something I need to bear in sharing time with my friends. And I do know that I have to allocate a fair amount from my salary for that. So it’s something like paying a monthly bill for me. It’s like an amount already allocated. That’s the reason for me to not be worried about it.

But this; for health I’m soooo much a lazy guy. I think the best medicine for me is sleeping and I say it affirmatively. Better rest will make your healthy issues go away.

But if the sleep goes for days, you better go for some med no matter the portion of balls you spend from your body. Otherwise the entire world will come to eat your brain.

Living a lie!

A Friend who mistakenly happened to read my previous post is asking me whether I'm a religious person or not. And there was a fascinating discussion between him and me. I'm not gonna vomit everything here but some hilarious points, if I may say.

The friend was so much confused by hearing that I'm an atheist. (I do not prefer saying that because atheism has became something like a religion too. But I have no other words for what I am.) His confusion was fair because he saw me at my Father's and Aunt's funerals which happened during a year of time. He saw me worshiping monks rapidly then and there and smoothly getting done all the religious practices which are needed in a Sri Lankan funeral house. Also he had seen the pictures of me holding the Cheevaraya so devoutly at the Kathina Pinkama which was an event at my good friends place. He has been thinking that I was a very holy spiritual person and suddenly got confused by the post.

He asked me why all those religious rituals by me if I'm an atheist? The answer was simple. And it's a common answer for me in lot of cases. "This is Sri Lanka. And we are living in a community."

The community do not consider what really we are. All it needs from us is adhering to it's standards. So a religion for a person is a need and those rituals required by those religions are musts. In order to live in what we believe, we have to act a double. One is the real character with the believes of our true self and the other, the character community need in it's standards. Yes, it's a game of living among various other games we are in.

As my good friend Mr. Ganegoda say, living a lie is the game itself, with the system which prevents us living in our true selves. That scenario leaves us much to laugh. Mostly for the idiotic things we do by the name of the community.

So after all, I have a religion which comes handy with forms I have to fill, interviews I have to face and in any needed moments likewise. But still, I'm not religious by all means.

selfishnesssssss!

Life is selfish itself. And that meaning is true even when applied to the whole concept of life. It's there to exist. By the means of existence life becomes selfish. As a person of selfish thoughts, it's hard to forget about the self and dedicate to others. Yes it's hard. And I bet that no one can totally exist by the means of others.

But one can chose to be or not to be for others. That's neither politics nor religious. Affirmatively not about being a good guy and be loved. It's hard to dedicate, especially without being benefitted. So living in a world mixed up is harder. One must have to give up himself for other while a part of him wants those others to get fucked off. So it's not an easy living for one which doesn't want to choose. Or just want everything (perhaps).

But when he's compromised with himself to be for another, he'll need to forget himself, for a moment at least. So when he is committed for someone else, he'll need to forget everything of himself...

...including others which he treats as himself.

Should those internal others sue him as a selfish freak?

I know this is bullshit. It's the most straightforward explanation for all this.

A regular one

Few months ago, I wrote a post in sinhalese about a friend who was going to be married to his girl friend from the affair which I caused the spark. Now they are preparing for their first child to be born and I guess the baby is gonna come out soon.

Now my friend is in a track of being a regular person with regular needs and responsibilities. He's an IT lecturer for a military academy and starting an institute for IT training. He invited me to participate with a subject or too. Since I'm not interested in lecturing and teaching at all, I was confused with his proposal and made a bunch of reasons to avoid it. I told I'm not after money and hence do not need to do extra work other than the job I'm doing. But he insisted. He told me that money is not a matter now but soon it will be and money is the key for a better living.

I already knew that and avoided to be the regular man who needs that everything and a better life. But it's how the world rotate. I'm not able to travel counter wise?

He's being the regular person which I hate to be but seems I'm going to consider his invitation. Not because I need money but to get out of what I am now. May be It'll pull me out of the pool of laziness.

But fuck, I do not need to be a regular one.

Being an Alcoholic?

I've been thinking of this for few days and still I can't figure it out. Since I'm not a daily/weekly drinker or since myself cannot be put to any sort of alcoholic category (though I used to promote drinking with my fellow blogger මරණය - The Death ), It seems I'm quite good with drinking now.

I used to work in Colombo for almost 8 years, and I believe that duration is the best ever I've had so far in my life. It means I got a hell of a free time (without any kind of adult interference) to be with various kinds of people and made lot of friends. Now I do work in Badulla, my home town, in a government institute and visit my girlfriend at Colombo every month. I'm a good boy at home and with the office staff. I act like I've never even smelled a bottle of alcohol. (Well that's for my own safety of not being addicted :D)

I visit my friends during the few days I stay at Colombo and it's for nothing but for drink. Actually It's the reason we are mingling though. I also got some friends I met over the internet and hell! they also meet to drink! Likewise I got about 4 friend circles which are gathering around a bottle (or 2-3) while I'm there. And me, for the entire month at home not being drunk , having a really shaky time with drinks and cigarettes.

My problem is that for the past 2 sessions I was at Colombo, I never got drunk to my limit. It's not that I'm playing cheat games with the drink. I get almost up to the limit I usually do but I felt no drunk anymore. I wonder... Am I being alcoholic? Is my limit risen? so that I need some more to feel that I used to feel when I got the influence of it?

I'm waiting to test this scenario at the next time I'm gonna be there.

Action is needed for Dengue

A friend of my office is in trouble for few weeks and during the last few days, It has became a problem of ours too. His wife is suffering with dengue and in a critical situation. Her lever is infected and the brain too. Thankfully she was a nurse and we are directly administrating the health services in the district hence she is specially treated. She was pregnant before to identify her illness as dengue and the child was taken out in a surgery. Child also was not healthy and still treats in an incubator.

Few days back doctors have said she will not be able to recover and there isn't anything they can do except waiting for a miracle. Then there was another injection or something they found which will control her bad situation but since it was expensive and rare, they took some time to find it.

Our staff is doing Bodhi Poojas every evening for 3 days and still there is no good news. And day by day there is a death happening caused by the dengue.

My friend is about 32 years old and his wife is just 29. They've got their whole future ahead with a 3 year old daughter and the new born child. If the things went wrong, It'll be a terrible shock for us all.

I'm very sad! and sad indeed about all the people... There are few more with the same issue and their lives are hanged in a thin thread.

Once when we needed to make people's mind about the bravery of the soldiers, there was a national plan for that and the idea pumped to people's heads by the media. When there was nothing on their minds.

I still can't understand why the government do not understand this dengue situation is something more like the war we once had. It is a war and people are the reason. Their habits of their living nature and how they treat the nature is the reason for this and to change that, we have to understand it as a war indeed. Media should make news of it and have to make people working on it. They have to pump the idea again and continue pumping. Otherwise as one of the critics of the sinhelese said, we'll forget it the next week.

There must be an action taken immediately to make people understand. And still it seems nothing happening.