Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 1 - A journey of a loner

Why people make kids? It's obvious that one cannot answer that just after a moments thought. Though it seems a simple question, It's actually a complex one to answer if you gave it a real thought. The simple and obvious reason is that there is no simple correct answer. Neither an incorrect one.

When I was in my first affair at the school age, I told her let's make two kids. That was a nasty, flowered and colored time with butterflies, tweeting birds and a lot of hype about 'love' we ideolized from romantic Hindi movies and we knew very little of the reality. And of course I was the smaller version of the child I am now at the time and life was not that much serious. Those affairs were started not because we really needed them but because everyone else were having one. All of the guys and gals were starting their relationships and I never wanted to be the lonely one even though I realized later, thats the kind of man I am. Thinking of those make me feel confused about the decisions I make today.

And yeah I got mocked by that girls' friend squad as a miserable person who doesn't seem to be the one appearing. As I WAS a loner and mostly minding my own thing, they must have thought I'm the same calm man inside. But I was not. Words and moments are needed when you want to love. And they had told her that I was in a hurry for the future. A family. Because we had our future planned with two kids at that little age.

After that, in those relationships came afterwards, the children count drop to one. And the talks about children were never serious. It was just a stable statement of that time regarding family life, even though I had never settled to get in to a family. But most of the girls were not in to that except the specific skinny girl at the BIT class. She told that she'd be satisfied with a single child as she doesn't believe her skinny body can bear more than one. I laughed mentioning that, her mother who came to drop her to the class was not skinny and she'd become like her mother one day.

But as I remember, other girls never even had an idea about that. They were typical girls you see everywhere. They think they are specific but I was sure that they'd fall in to the same character their mothers were. Just a bit upgraded.

During the years, I met various people in various mindsets. I think that early 2000s was the time I got matured in many ways. Identifying people, dealing with many type of them. Finding a safer state to stand on etc.. etc... And my ideas about a family and kids were also evolved. I newer wanted to get into a married life. And children? Sorry. No children. So, the topic never appeared after that with the girls. In-fact, the whole idea of being in a relationship was deteriorated. I was good being alone.

Till I found this girl online. She was also a bit miserable, individual, had many versions, many unique thoughts on many things. We had many discussions about many things and man that was a time I even love to be back again today.

And slowly as I understood her, she electrified me repairing the old drained veins inside and made me pop the question.

Her answer was effected on the decision we took to get tangled and ultimately get married. But many interesting things we found in each other meant we could lead to a great life together. (Well, define 'great'. Is it wealthiness or peace of mind or something else?) But upon the things we agreed, 'having no kids' was one. We had it clearly decided.

To be continued...

Sorry and Thanks

When things are not right, sorry and thanks are the words to keep the relationship intact. When it is not right, the participants tend to misunderstand each other so they always say sorry and also when things are not right participants want to show the gratitude intentionally so they use thanks more often. That's why sorry and thanks are the saviours of a drying relationship

Absolute reality

Absolute reality can't be told. If someone say something and say it's true, it's not. It's just another altered version of the absolute truth. In fact absolute truth is not existing once it's happened. Every told story of it is not real. Just the version of the story teller. Thing is there could be an entire other truth out there.

This way the truth is always changing. Because a new version is made soon after it repeated. The repeated version is a new version. Not an exact copy.

A perfect clone cannot be made.

And if we took the meaning of the words into the account, we may want to know the absolute true meaning of each word. So the idea is chaos in itself. So an argument can be raised as that there is no absolute reality. I agree, should there be an absolute one?

Actually it doesn't matter.

All that matters is the reality cannot be told as it is. The only practical part is that no one tells the truth.

Emptiness!

https://www.quora.com/Whos-more-likeable-The-Road-Runner-or-Wile-E-Coyote

Dear unknown friend,

You know I tried to explain this but it's really hard. Emptiness of me. It's not the same emptiness what you have. What you described and what I understood via the movie 'Addicted'. My emptiness is something different. It's like understanding that there is nothing to gain. And having to live with people who want to gain. Adjusting myself for them while being empty and undesired inside.

It's like looking for something so desperately. Then finding it and realising that there is nothing ahead. What if someone doesn't have anything to posess?

I think you remember the cartoon Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote runs behind the Roadrunner and trying to catch it with various scientific and unimaginable ways. And then he never get succeeded. But before few years back I saw Facebook post with images. It's about what happens to Coyote when it catches the roadrunner. He is becoming desperate. In his entire life, he's been chasing the roadrunner and it was what he had in his mind for his entire life time. So he couldn't imagine that he has a life beyond chasing Roadrunner. Only after the Roadrunner is caught and eaten by him, he realises that now his life has no meaning at all.

That's the Emptiness I have. That's the Emptiness I am trying to resolve. It's hard because I have only spend one third of my life and I have responsibilities at least for few people. But I have nothing to expect to be happened to me. For the rest of my life.

And I am worrying because of the people around me who still loves me and expecting from me. Even though they don't expect, it's my responsibility. It has become my responsibility. So it's hard for an Empty person to be the responsible person.

Thinking about that also flushes me towards a black hole where I stuck and being miserable and being empty.

Things you find in the beach

http://www.waddingtonbrown.co.uk/events/wellbeing-approach-better-mental-health/

Beach is my friend. It's vast opening just to air, water and sand makes me feel lightened. And maybe giving a calm state of mind to consider things in at least few other angles.

I remember the very first time I was at the sea. I was about 5 and the beach was around Negombo I guess. We were at Katunayaka for a wedding of a cousin. She was way more older than me. And she was the daughter of one of my Fathers elder brothers. I was there with my aunt and few other relations from my home town. And from as a boy from up country grew in a mountain surrounded town, I was freaked in many ways to experience the sea.

I remember riding a bike with Akki, Bappa and Sanaa Aiya. Sanaa Aiya was also a cousin way older than me and he was the younger brother of the cousin which was up to got married. Four of us rid the bike to beach and I was freaked to death at the very first time because I felt I was dragged to the water by the waves under my feet.

And it was there for a very long time until I figure out it's just the movement of sand I feel.

When the waves sweep back to the sea, under your feet, you struggle a bit to keep straight. At least you feel it happens. But there's nothing you can do about it. Does it mean you are helpless?

It says beach heals wounds. It's scientifically correct in a way because salt can kill germs in wounds. But what if you don't need the wound to be cured? What if an old wound is something we like to keep fresh by poking it time to time. What if the wound keeps coming back even if we wanted it to be cured. What if the wound reminds you of sweet memories? The joy of the memory surpasses the pain from the wound and yeah, welcome old wounds!

Beach would not be able to cure a wound unless you don't want it to. It'll just drag the sand back to sea under your feet. And you know when it does because you feel it. Because you are a human being.

Sometimes being ignorant is the key to survival. Letting things flow under your feet sometimes keeps you away from the danger. Sometimes less you know is better. Or keeping the things you know aside and stay foolish is also better for the equilibrium. Or is it?

Does equilibrium matters?

Bonds

Hate will kill the love

Which is still there

Is it worth being responsible

For a marriage which is sick

As you say prayers

Love is just words

Marriage could be artificial

While actual love is elsewhere

How much the truth is bitter

Can't hide without facing

The truth only you know

Why hiding it with a lie

It could be a blood or word bond

But there's no meaning without trust

If unbounding frees life unlimited

Why still living with this bond

When reality strikes!

theodysseyonline.com/is-this-all-real

It's what I always wanted. kick the reality off and live in a dream. I'm being succeeded in ways but have failed at most of the times.

There's nothing to do about it when it strikes than expressing the tension. The tension of being an unabled inside the cruel reality.

Reality...

It's harder than anything I find. Always harder than the hardest thing. It's simply the ultimate. And when it strikes, it strikes harder than ever. Wanting one to be depressed and just switch off to wild.

And wild being also a part of reality, there's no way to go other than facing it. Facing the ruthless truth of loneliness. No matter what or who you have around, in reality you are alone.

Democratic Marriage

Weird topic. You might not have had any thought about it even if you are a married person.

Does democracy exists in typical Sri Lankan marriages? If it does, to what extent? I usually see couples with arguments or total obedience from one part. There are exceptions but those are really weird relationships and surely not democratic.

Does anyone have to take things into hand and decide what the other need? It's dictatorship when it comes to politics. But in a marriage, is it the only way to keep things go smoothly?

The dictator part is usually done by the man. Not the women. Unless it's about who has the real dick in the family. Yes it could be the woman.

Somehow it seems, to be able to run a family smoothly and with complements from the fucking society, a dictator is a must in the family.

Otherwise it'll be weird and the democratic will be treated as a weak freak obviously.

So does listening and giving equal choice to your counterpart would cause you problems when it comes to family matters?

Seems democracy in relationships is just an illusion only pathetic lovers have in their dreams.

Bubbles

geethaprodhom.wordpress.com

Suddenly there were bubbles

lots of lots of bubbles

and there was skyfull of joy

and there was divining music

and surrounding...

there was that happy feeling

and hopes and light and

heart beating...

she gazed at him

he gazed at her

love caring and just

all the things they say...

was there

in between he and her

gazing on each

And then the bubbles were gone

took some time but gone

one or two or three

or just 50 of those bubbles

on occasions

but yes...

the bubbles were gone

they weren't gazing

not anymore

They were drowning

Not gazing at each other

He felt happy, drowning with her

he felt complete whatsoever

after all, it was with her

but she was speechless

thinking, not gazing

she has to follow the dream

it’s not in the bottom

it’s up there in bubbles

she let him go and swim up

bubbles again… bubbles

he was still drowning

it was the end

and there was just one bubble

one last bubble

which came to her

but busy with the bubbles

she missed that one bubble

Alien eyes!

Source : http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?id=95442940

If you are (well, were) a reader of this blog, by seeing the topic you'll think this is something totally not related to aliens but to some philosophical bullshit. But this IS about aliens and specially about their eyes… and of course some bullshit.

What's so special about alien eyes? Well, the most common type of aliens have huge eyes and they cover up almost one fourth of the total face area. Since I am a proud alien fan, (Since I'm a proud Sri Lankan, there is no reason for me to stay behind from being proud of been an alien fan :P) I was in touch with most of the upcoming news and stuff about them for a long time. May be during the whole life passed. X-files, Mulder and Scully were huge parts of it. I even got a copy of the 1st print of the book by Mr. Sanjeewa Bandara named, 'Pitasakwala Jeeween' when I was at 9th or 10th grade. Since then it has been printed several times and the size of it tripled as I noticed. More evidences stuffed.

So that's that. Now the eyes.. yes they are big. And why? I hadn't have given it a thought before and while watching a documentary about them recently, it came to me as an undisputable fact that aliens are more evolved than us! Evolution, after all. Because they use their eyes more, they've evolved larger (and probably complex) to gain more light or control the light they observe.

Think of ourselves for a moment. Nowadays, we use our eyes more keenly than ever. Since reading became an inevitable condition in life in the beginning of the 20th century, we started to use our eyes vibrantly. Well, people can argue with the time it started but it's true that more white-collar jobs appeared on the beginning of 20th century. So the ability of reading and good eye sight became a must. Today, without accounting the job a person is doing, reading is a must have ability to live a better life and a good eye sight is also a must have condition. The growth of information technology has made the society an information society and no matter the news is needed or not, it has become a condition for a living person to be known-all. So people read more than ever currently. Not to be a known-all of course ;-)

Humans never used their eyes like we do today. And It's gonna be tougher in the future without any doubt. So the development of our eyes is a must. I don't think our eyes are not designed to bear the stress we're going to face in the future. So if the human evolution is going to take place in the future, eyes will be a critical part which is going to have the effect most. Well, of course unless a device like brain cap is invented as Sir Arthur C. Clarke predicted in 3001:the final odyssey.

So back to aliens, I think the reason for their big eyes is evolution. I know it could be hilarious for most of the people but it's about what you believe after all. From logic, I believe there could be life sustainable planets on the universe other than earth, there are intelligent life forms inhabiting, some of them are evolved for billions of human years, they are capable of beating the limit of light and some of them are meddling with humans for a long time. I even like to believe that humans are a hybrid species and there is no missing link.

And if you like to watch some really awesome documentaries about the movement of 'Alien fans', here are some torrent links.

sirius
the day before disclosure

My worthless Rs.500.00

Today I went to my doctor to get consulted (What the hell, are there any other reasons for me to go to a Doc?) on my asthma situation which strikes me occasionally in these cold days. He asked the same question repetitively mixing together. And finally gave me the same medicine which I took from him about 14 years ago. Yes, for asthma, this is the second time I'm consulting a doc for 14 years. And the damn same one! That's the miraculous power of that pill he gave me last time.

I’m just gossiping around without being to the point which caused me to write this.

After coming back, I posted an FB status update saying it took Rs. 500.00 away and I understood the real meaning of ‘Arogya parama labha’. A quote from the Buddha. It means ‘being healthy is profitable’ simply.

Then I realized it’s not worth sharing because I usually spend more than that in a month for alcohol plus sometimes for smoke. And I haven’t complained about that to anyone, not even to myself. I’m not even worrying of billing my expenses for alcohol, never will think of sharing something like “Spent Rs. 1000.00 for the party with my friends”. Regarding those expenses, this Rs. 500.00 after 14 years is negligible.
Then the real strike began. Am I unconsciously thinking that drinking is bad? Since that’s the sudden thought came in to me to avoid the sorrow of Rs. 500.00, am I really a cheater in drinking? It’s like saying this to myself. “You spend much more on worthless alcohol without a word and you just worry about this damn Rs. 500.00 which will gain your health back.” And it means I’m not approving my drinking habits.

I collapsed!

I gave it a thought and some weird ideas came in. There should be a way to get rid of this frustration on myself and on alcohol. So I rethought it as this. Expenses for drinking are usual and it’s something I need to bear in sharing time with my friends. And I do know that I have to allocate a fair amount from my salary for that. So it’s something like paying a monthly bill for me. It’s like an amount already allocated. That’s the reason for me to not be worried about it.

But this; for health I’m soooo much a lazy guy. I think the best medicine for me is sleeping and I say it affirmatively. Better rest will make your healthy issues go away.

But if the sleep goes for days, you better go for some med no matter the portion of balls you spend from your body. Otherwise the entire world will come to eat your brain.

Live with ronnie at whompcomic

Ronnie is a fatty artists. He likes drawing comics, playing video games and those comic TV programs. He lives with Agrias. A Chinese girl. He also has an imaginative friend called 'Motivation Dude' and he's the one who forces Ronnie to draw.

Ronnie also has a girlfriend called Mai and she has gone away for further studies.

If you are a web comic lover, no problem. Go and live with Ronnie. And If you are not a web comic lover, you should start with this.

Go to http://www.whompcomic.com/ press the << button to the very beginning and slowly come to the present! You'll enjoy it very much and surely will realize it's worth!

http://www.whompcomic.com/

Why should I worry?

I know I have to complete the quest I started about religions and stuff. It's again the laziness which punches me time to time. So I'm just gonna end this up with the conclusion of the conversation I had with my friend.

And I'm gonna sleep for sometime.

The conclusive point my friend took there was "my death". Since I'm an atheist and not committed to any social group, how my after death preparations will proceed? It' was an ultimate problem for him. Well, I was thinking about it for some time. Actually for a long time. I've taken a decision for some time and that's it about it.

I don't care.

I don't care about what will happen after my death. Should anyone be worried about that? I don't think so. Since I got nothing to possess and to lose, I'm not worried about myself at all. Why worrying about my corpse?

If I've had a good life with friends and relations when I'm dying, they'll care about it. I'm gonna prepare a will mentioning that my funeral should be done within hours and no religious thing should be done ;-) Since my friends and relations are religious, should I mention if they did religious funeral with my corpse, I'll come as a ghost and scare them? :D Anyway, If I'm gonna be a loner and away from all the loved ones, still I'll make friends around to do whatever they want to do with my body. Otherwise it'll be tasted by dogs and crows if the government failed to dispose it at the time.

But apart from all, I'm planning to donate my body to a medical college so they can experiment on one of the extincting species on earth.

Living a lie!

A Friend who mistakenly happened to read my previous post is asking me whether I'm a religious person or not. And there was a fascinating discussion between him and me. I'm not gonna vomit everything here but some hilarious points, if I may say.

The friend was so much confused by hearing that I'm an atheist. (I do not prefer saying that because atheism has became something like a religion too. But I have no other words for what I am.) His confusion was fair because he saw me at my Father's and Aunt's funerals which happened during a year of time. He saw me worshiping monks rapidly then and there and smoothly getting done all the religious practices which are needed in a Sri Lankan funeral house. Also he had seen the pictures of me holding the Cheevaraya so devoutly at the Kathina Pinkama which was an event at my good friends place. He has been thinking that I was a very holy spiritual person and suddenly got confused by the post.

He asked me why all those religious rituals by me if I'm an atheist? The answer was simple. And it's a common answer for me in lot of cases. "This is Sri Lanka. And we are living in a community."

The community do not consider what really we are. All it needs from us is adhering to it's standards. So a religion for a person is a need and those rituals required by those religions are musts. In order to live in what we believe, we have to act a double. One is the real character with the believes of our true self and the other, the character community need in it's standards. Yes, it's a game of living among various other games we are in.

As my good friend Mr. Ganegoda say, living a lie is the game itself, with the system which prevents us living in our true selves. That scenario leaves us much to laugh. Mostly for the idiotic things we do by the name of the community.

So after all, I have a religion which comes handy with forms I have to fill, interviews I have to face and in any needed moments likewise. But still, I'm not religious by all means.

Be religious, if you are not self confident!

Religions are almost complete systems. That's the utmost reason for them to sustain longer than other idolatrous concepts. Religions has given the answers for all the desired problems a person which he may occur with. No matter the answer, it is made believed by the owners (probably not by the authors) of the religion. But since the reality is not staying perfectly streamed, and new knowledge is ever expanding across the traditional believes, religions must come out with magical concepts.

So there are so many crappy concepts about life, death and the stage in between. The results of good and bad and reincarnation with the knowledge gathered in the previous lifetime. Do better and go to heaven, otherwise to hell. A person's disease identified as a result of a sin he has done and so forth.

Endless!

Lot's of people are there to believe them. Disregarding the fact that all the crap there, (Though there are some lot of good stuff people are not aware of...) people are believing what ever the owners say about it.

Is it because people are not self confident to live and learn from life. The ups and downs and goods and bads?

Or are they blinded by the magical theories of those systems?

Or is it because they are lazy to use their brains a bit and get out of it. Do they think that staying at their cage is better than coming outside...

What ever, the ultimate reason of a living thing is nothing else than living itself.

So what the hell!

You smoke, you die.

You quit smoke, still you'll die.

selfishnesssssss!

Life is selfish itself. And that meaning is true even when applied to the whole concept of life. It's there to exist. By the means of existence life becomes selfish. As a person of selfish thoughts, it's hard to forget about the self and dedicate to others. Yes it's hard. And I bet that no one can totally exist by the means of others.

But one can chose to be or not to be for others. That's neither politics nor religious. Affirmatively not about being a good guy and be loved. It's hard to dedicate, especially without being benefitted. So living in a world mixed up is harder. One must have to give up himself for other while a part of him wants those others to get fucked off. So it's not an easy living for one which doesn't want to choose. Or just want everything (perhaps).

But when he's compromised with himself to be for another, he'll need to forget himself, for a moment at least. So when he is committed for someone else, he'll need to forget everything of himself...

...including others which he treats as himself.

Should those internal others sue him as a selfish freak?

I know this is bullshit. It's the most straightforward explanation for all this.

Love as a complete something else...

We had an argument a week ago and there was pain. And now everything has cooled down to a regular state and there is a new feeling. Yes, about the same thing. It's like a revolution. A new life. A new wave.

As I believe, This phase is where we climb in to another peak of life where the fall begins again.

But while those everything is being processed in the background, I still know my love is there. And It's living rather than just being. I have and really got embedded the feeling in to my whole body and mind while we are arguing or just being happy.

It that love? It's just knowing it's there?

Pain is single sided!

Yes! love may be something worth sharing. But pain is single sided for sure. While everyone and even everything around you are trying to make you feel better, you are thinking that it's not gonna happen. And pain is still inside without being able to be cooled down.

The story is the same for the other side too. It's worth looking what the other side feels but since it's still single sided, You'll never find it out! The only even fact in both sides are that both sides are thinking the heavy side is theirs'. How ever the pain cannot be shared no matter who the person is. But it can be forgotten. Time is the best solution for that while those lots of other solutions are just make it crappy.

And still, the pain is single sided!

Happiness standardized!

I am being happy and happiness is the key keeps us alive and running. Unless we might not be this much around and talking even with the world outside the internet. Somehow people are trying to be in a happy mood all the time and being happy is the main point of living as people say.

What I see for a long time is that the happiness is standardized! People are doing the same thing to be happy and they are correct as far as the activity make them happy. But is it the real happiness?

I have no idea and I'm not pointing my finger at anyone because I have no right to question anyone's happiness. Whether it is standardized or not, it's that person which is being happy and I have no right to ask him why.

But I see they are doing what their neighbour does to be happy and they just believe by doing what THE OTHER does will make them happy but is it really the truth? Isn't it just the feeling of being higher than THE OTHER. Isn't it miserable?

People are happy with their families, education, jobs and achievements and yet the happiness is far beyond.

What is happiness at all rather than being high. I guess not being anything or anyone will surely make us happy for free.

Out of the box

The concept is wide and straightforward. It means thinking of something beyond the context which describs the context again. In a way no one has thought before. And that explanation is by me if i'm correct about the out of box concept.

What I've been thinking for years is that; is there a box actually? Or are there unlimited boxes one inside an other? One may think of something standing outside the box and still he's inside an other box.

Developing the idea, there are unlimited boxes sorrouoding any considering subject. Just as an onion. Anything has onion type layers which one can think of it standing on.

And that came from shrek. Remember the ogre which had layers?