Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 6 - Biggest Enemy

So, I'm afraid to raise children, because I'm lazy? Maybe because I'm afraid to pass my unhealthy genes? My illnesses? Am I afraid to see a suffering child specially when the reason is me along?

Is it maybe because I met a partner who agreed to a partnership without children? Even though I really want to believe Love, I know it fades. I mean I believe love as a solid thing but the affection slowly fades. Is it evolved in that way to populate the gene pool with variety. Love and affection are initially there to make a couple go crazy and make children. But then children become a reason for them to hold on to each other. I've stayed almost 10 years married and I now know somethings are meant to be learnt by firsthand experience. I'm happy with the decisions I've made and I'm pretty sure that in a way or another, I'll end up being the same me. But I know many relationships would make the offspring varied. Not my problem though.

What drives people to keep reproducing? Whatever it is, it is always a winner.

If you don't have children, you should be on alert for another thing. Make yourself busy. Occupy your mind in something. Otherwise, the boredom will make you go nuts. Usual days with your partner might make you want to get out of the same routing and would end up damaging the relationship. So, you must maintain a 'happening' life.

Some people make kids and say that they wanted kids just for the sake of their lust of having kids. They don't expect the kids to look after them when they are old so basically, they are just parents with no regrets. They just make kids and let them go out to the society. Not expecting anything else from the kid. So ultimately the only thing they gain from making kids is the happiness of looking after them and see them being grown into adults.

If you really need the joy of having kids you can have it in many other ways. Adopt a dog and you can have the joy of looking after it and watching it growing into an adult and expect nothing from it. I know it's rude to say. So, All I say is making a child is an option. If you feel it's worthy, go for it. And remember you have to stay with them for some time. Otherwise, you are cruel even than me.

Speaking of releasing children to the society, I recently visited one of my friends and the last time I visited him is for his wedding. How he's a father of 2 kids, 8 and 2 years old and the 8 year one is a disaster. He's trying to show himself off to us strangers. He was climbing trees and riding his bicycle with hands off. We took them a pack of chocolates and the parcel was on a chair. I called the guy and said we bought it for him and he can take it. But he was so shy to take the chocolate in front of us. That's how exactly we were when we were young. We were afraid of strangers because there wasn't many. And what I felt is, this young fellow must do everything his father did and whatever he become, he'll be living the same life. We call it life but it's just the nature (Or whatever) surviving through another body.

It says people need a hope to live. It's a fundamental thing as I've noticed. In many days my hope of the day is to have a tea or pulp drink with a cigarette in the evening. Then maybe have a cigarette before sleeping. Just two hopes to run. Less fuel for life.

If you considered it more, living without hope is the real challenge. It doesn't mean you have to face it. But for some, living in the edge could be the meaning of life. Not making the next generation.

We try to give huge meanings to the word 'love'. We try to give it universal values, but practically the word 'love' exists in stereotype form in the world. The hardest thing is to maintain love without any expectations. If it is not reflected in the social or family system, it will lose its value. Love has a definition. If your love doesn't fit, such love becomes lonely. But even being alone like that, maintaining love is a challenge. After two people fall in love, get married and have a child, other values are added to the bond between them. Even if it is a chemical thing for the survival of the system, we have given values to it. If you cross that line, the challenges faced by two people who are together just for love are huge. We think that those challenges are from the outside society, but the real challenge is between them. That's what makes living together just for love a challenge. You have to save your love from your selves because you are the biggest enemy of it.

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 5 - Time Scales

Now this series of posts are becoming lazy to write. But I have already drafted the framework of the posts. So even though I feel terribly sleepy, better complete this, post and put aside with my peace of mind. Since this is being written since 2018, when I see some of the early ideas, I feel considered. Sometimes terrible. Am I the same person now?

I see how other people are struggling to survive. I see their struggle to make their kids strong. That's not easy. The world is rushing towards a severe condition to live. It's becoming worse in every way. Even These environmental situations are not good for kids. Air is polluted. It's getting hot. Food is poisoned. Medicine is even worse. Most of the medical practitioners are myth believing stupids. Humans are evolving into morons and they change their living surroundings into chaos. So if you think your child will be born into a better world, you are wrong. It's time to wake up. You have ruined the world just by existing on it. It won't get any better.

In assumption, most popular and major reason for all the climatic disasters we are yet to face is the population. We are consuming earth resources at a rate that the world cannot tolerate. So today's child will be suffering as an adult in the future than you do today.

You may argue that this ideology is against the nature. It's natures way to have kids and continue the genes isn't it?. Then I ask why? Humans have the ability to change their surroundings according to their comfort. Humans are defining the nature itself while being a part of it. Humans are the internal gear of nature. And since nature is everything, it's a failed statement itself.

And a child with either my kind of or her kind of genes will surely hate us for giving it it's life.

And all you want is fuck and have kids for your own satisfaction.

It's always debatable. So let's keep unborn children away from the equation. We really don't know how they'll feel when they are old enough to understand and question their existence. Most people don't bother questioning the existence today and the proportion of those kind will be the same.

And who knows, what if suddenly the world leaders become sensible and make decisions to undo the bad things happening. What if that lead the world to a heaven in 20 years? What if the world with it's inhabitants learned to coexist alone with all the disasters and pollution? What if animals ultimately evolved to survive the disaster. What if the polluted air becomes breathable? So many what-ifs... Isn't the future unpredictable?

The way we move is not good and that's a fact. But who am I to judge that? A human only live for about 70 years and earth is 4.5 billion years old. Individual ideas are merely tiny specks in it's timeline. 

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 4 - Choice matters...

Standing against a typical 'living the given way person' is not always easy. The whole system is built upon justifying their believes. So it's not an easy task arguing against them. Regarding children, we two are keeping our mouths shut all the time but there is always pressure in situations others put on us. Pressure still pushes me and I'm sure that it pushes her too. And I'm pretty sure that it will remain the same throughout our entire lifetime. (Well, at least till the age we are no longer capable if we lived that much) Also, I'm sure it's the same for all the people who live by their own set of rules set by their own choice. Choices people make derail them for an alternate direction, or to stand still. All of them are naturally becoming the victims of "standard" society. Even if the different style of them isn't hurting anyone, the heavy currents of the 'river of standards' continue to flood on them.

I know you might think of all of those points others make as irrelevant. But I'm making a point here about the people we have to deal with. There's nothing more to that. Believe what you think correct and that belief must based on solid grounds. Understanding other people is a way to distinguish yourself among them and it's important to know them in that aspect. So if you plan to have an alternate decision, your partner or anyone who cares about you should be concerned. How would the decision affect them?

I'm worried about her because of that. Though we had the decision together, we are not always together. And sometimes people with an alternate choice are always trying to escape from a problem and easily falling into another one. It's always a life with unusual problems. Probably unexplored. The solutions are not properly studied. One has to find the best solution but it's like a blind test. Because it's always a new problem and there is not a moment like that before. Definitely not an accessible recorded version. If you are a heavy reader, you may have come across characters who faced a similar situation. But the solution may not be useful in the same way. Always have to find your way.

So the topic about the child was again on the table. And again we couldn't find any reason to make one. Things were not in there best state at that moment. So we buried it temporarily to consider in a moment we both feel comfortable. Probably a moment which is never going to come.

I can't help this post being this much longer, I intended to write something else but this isolation lead my hands to obey my mind and type the shit coming out without thinking twice.

The major reason I don't want a child is because I don't want to get out of the current zone of comfort. Don't want to give up the freedom I have. Even after being married, I am almost a free man. And I believe I have given that space to her too. I don't know how she took that either. But she seemed fine apparently. I know for sure that every stupid thing I did because I wanted to keep the connection.

Does 'she being fine' (Remember, she looked OK to me but she was not) mean that she doesn't need a kid? In the discussion, she had some logical reasons for not having kids might comfort her. But again I have doubts whether she really means that. She doesn't need a child all alone?
Or is it me? the reason? Am I not the person she wants to have her child?
Or maybe she had seriously thought that out and decided it's better for her to stay plain.

Only she knows.

To be continued

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 3 - The big J of others

If you are different, people won't let you be yourself in any manner and will always sneak in to your life in every possible way they can. If we put aside all the other nonsense you have to hear through your entire youth; the main goal in your life (despite doing an earning job) is getting married and have children. After that, they'll advice you on positioning yourself in bed in order to complete a fruitful sex experience that would definitely seed a child. Once you are done, these people won't satisfy enough staying there. After a year or two, they want you to have the second one. Maybe they'll advice you on how to make the baby in different sex than earlier by using ways you've never heard of. It will even not stop there. Then it's about how to select a better school for that child, where are the best (looking?) doctors, where to buy the best food, and soothsayers around the country who correctly predict what's wrong with the child and so on and so on...

Being child-free doesn't relieve you from any of that. Same problems will trouble you in different formats. It's even worse since your choice makes others nervous. And it's the most fundamental thing in their problem against you. But they will never talk about it. Probably they never even understand it. It's about the choice. A vast majority of people are living in a modeled life they are given at birth. They have even perfected it while growing in. They make very little obvious choices through-out their entire life. Hence, when they see someone having a different choice of living, it makes them terribly miserable. And they counter attack brutally by judging and pointing. Probably continuously reporting how good and complete their lives are compared to yours. They kind of enjoy repeating the same thing. If you see carefully, you'll easily understand that most of them are only good at that, rather than living an ordinary life. They want to know other's stuff and spread them. A way of life lived by our ancestors since long time ago. Well, if you don't understand any of this, it doesn't matter. You too are probably in the same pool and I don't want to argue. Because nothing matters.

My best friend at office is working at a different section and the countless chats between us are mostly about people at office. A little "Linda langa sangamaya" if you like to call it but it's between us. She has this neighboring colleague who is a young man; newly married and has become a father about a year ago who is a 'Cheeththe' by her definition. He's all nosy about she and me being good friends. Actually this friend of mine was the first person who helped me to mingle with this office after I got transferred here and she was a good friend since then. The taste for movies made the friendship a sustaining one. Her neighboring fellow is nosy about she being a friend of mine because I do not have many friends at office.

Sorry if I got off topic but believe me it's all here to set the background. This is just one person. There's more and I probably will not talk about them here. Recently, this fellow has asked her whether I drink with my wife. She knows I do but she just had asked him back to inquire me directly if he has anything to know about my family. She told me the story furiously with a hateful tone. She is not married and having a relationship with a person. In a nutshell, she also is living a life with a choice. This neighboring fellow has a problem with people with choice.

Few months back he had a problem with me because I watch so many movies. He told he don't have any time to watch a movie because he has to take care of his child when he's at home. And now he has the urge to know whether I drink with my wife. And he's just the perfect example of the many people you'd find around.

They have this blistering problem with people who live by a choice. They want to know what those "Odd" people get by being "Odd". They want to know why they are not satisfied even while having everything the standard model of life expects.

They have a huge J against people with a choice.



To be Continued ...

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 2 - how much you know of your partner

I never wanted a typical married life then. And even now I think marriage destroys relationships. It pulls flying people to ground and glue them tight without letting them fly again. And then it continues as a typical "marriage". Things as bills, various expenses, monthly commitments and family responsibilities become the main reason to be together than anything else. Didn't want that. Didn't wanna kill myself. Wanted to keep loving. Wanted a perfect love. And that's the idiot I was. Should have known that there is no such thing as perfect love.

But in Sri Lanka, there's no possible way of living like that. Whether you like it or not, if you want to have sex with the woman you love, unless it's a sex intedded one, you have to marry her. And let her parents be happily sleeping knowing their daughter holding hands with a legally bonded man. Also for your parents to be satisfied ultimately, thinking their son will behave responsibly and follow the targets to become a man accumilating stuff as wealth, which they consider as the key to prosperity.

So we had to think and decide whether we want to live together for the foreseeable future. The decision was firm and we never talked about it much then and even after, until recently.

And that question lead to many things.

I thought to ask her whether we should consider about a kid because I felt she was suffering from being a No-child woman. But I never had any idea how deep her feelings could have been hurt on that matter. Sometimes I couldn't even tollerate people asking about kids from me. Those people get amazed by hearing that we don't have kids even after being married for 5 years. Some people have tried to convince me to go to see a specific monk or a doctor who treats for those situations. No kids situations. And believe me there are a lot of married couples who are in need of kids and don't have the capacity. It's some kind of a physical or mental problem and there are a lot of people doing treatmets for that. In fact it's kind of an industry. But I don't know how many couples succeeded following those.

So when a couple don't want kids by their choice, people can't beleive it. I got used to keep my mouth shut than trying to explain it to people who ask. Because lot of people don't really know about having a choice. And I knew she had been facing the same situation double time.

She never talked much but I felt her sorrow in occasions when the subject was on the table. Maybe it's not entirely on that, it seems she got bored on how her life moves on. And I'm sure she was bored of me too. As for every other couple, boredom was slowly overcoming our lives. So the question I asked about children lead to many other questions about our relationship. After many heart breaking sessions, for good or bad, life continues. Still!

Problem is, is she strong enough to face the society as a no-mother? She seems to be standing firm in many other cases, but this is in a different level and I'm not sure how she handles that. What if she's sufering under her blanket? What if she secretly blaming me and her self, and our marriage?

For me to have kids, there's no reason other than the need to keep the relationship with her intact. (Poor me, I thought she'll never leave me if we had a baby) If a baby is going to add additional stability to our lives, I'd probably enjoy being in it. But as per the experience so far with the people, I don't think a kid is the ideal solution to keep the stability of a family.

Sorry and Thanks

When things are not right, sorry and thanks are the words to keep the relationship intact. When it is not right, the participants tend to misunderstand each other so they always say sorry and also when things are not right participants want to show the gratitude intentionally so they use thanks more often. That's why sorry and thanks are the saviours of a drying relationship

Emptiness!

https://www.quora.com/Whos-more-likeable-The-Road-Runner-or-Wile-E-Coyote

Dear unknown friend,

You know I tried to explain this but it's really hard. Emptiness of me. It's not the same emptiness what you have. What you described and what I understood via the movie 'Addicted'. My emptiness is something different. It's like understanding that there is nothing to gain. And having to live with people who want to gain. Adjusting myself for them while being empty and undesired inside.

It's like looking for something so desperately. Then finding it and realising that there is nothing ahead. What if someone doesn't have anything to posess?

I think you remember the cartoon Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote runs behind the Roadrunner and trying to catch it with various scientific and unimaginable ways. And then he never get succeeded. But before few years back I saw Facebook post with images. It's about what happens to Coyote when it catches the roadrunner. He is becoming desperate. In his entire life, he's been chasing the roadrunner and it was what he had in his mind for his entire life time. So he couldn't imagine that he has a life beyond chasing Roadrunner. Only after the Roadrunner is caught and eaten by him, he realises that now his life has no meaning at all.

That's the Emptiness I have. That's the Emptiness I am trying to resolve. It's hard because I have only spend one third of my life and I have responsibilities at least for few people. But I have nothing to expect to be happened to me. For the rest of my life.

And I am worrying because of the people around me who still loves me and expecting from me. Even though they don't expect, it's my responsibility. It has become my responsibility. So it's hard for an Empty person to be the responsible person.

Thinking about that also flushes me towards a black hole where I stuck and being miserable and being empty.

Things you find in the beach

http://www.waddingtonbrown.co.uk/events/wellbeing-approach-better-mental-health/

Beach is my friend. It's vast opening just to air, water and sand makes me feel lightened. And maybe giving a calm state of mind to consider things in at least few other angles.

I remember the very first time I was at the sea. I was about 5 and the beach was around Negombo I guess. We were at Katunayaka for a wedding of a cousin. She was way more older than me. And she was the daughter of one of my Fathers elder brothers. I was there with my aunt and few other relations from my home town. And from as a boy from up country grew in a mountain surrounded town, I was freaked in many ways to experience the sea.

I remember riding a bike with Akki, Bappa and Sanaa Aiya. Sanaa Aiya was also a cousin way older than me and he was the younger brother of the cousin which was up to got married. Four of us rid the bike to beach and I was freaked to death at the very first time because I felt I was dragged to the water by the waves under my feet.

And it was there for a very long time until I figure out it's just the movement of sand I feel.

When the waves sweep back to the sea, under your feet, you struggle a bit to keep straight. At least you feel it happens. But there's nothing you can do about it. Does it mean you are helpless?

It says beach heals wounds. It's scientifically correct in a way because salt can kill germs in wounds. But what if you don't need the wound to be cured? What if an old wound is something we like to keep fresh by poking it time to time. What if the wound keeps coming back even if we wanted it to be cured. What if the wound reminds you of sweet memories? The joy of the memory surpasses the pain from the wound and yeah, welcome old wounds!

Beach would not be able to cure a wound unless you don't want it to. It'll just drag the sand back to sea under your feet. And you know when it does because you feel it. Because you are a human being.

Sometimes being ignorant is the key to survival. Letting things flow under your feet sometimes keeps you away from the danger. Sometimes less you know is better. Or keeping the things you know aside and stay foolish is also better for the equilibrium. Or is it?

Does equilibrium matters?

When reality strikes!

theodysseyonline.com/is-this-all-real

It's what I always wanted. kick the reality off and live in a dream. I'm being succeeded in ways but have failed at most of the times.

There's nothing to do about it when it strikes than expressing the tension. The tension of being an unabled inside the cruel reality.

Reality...

It's harder than anything I find. Always harder than the hardest thing. It's simply the ultimate. And when it strikes, it strikes harder than ever. Wanting one to be depressed and just switch off to wild.

And wild being also a part of reality, there's no way to go other than facing it. Facing the ruthless truth of loneliness. No matter what or who you have around, in reality you are alone.

Bubbles

geethaprodhom.wordpress.com

Suddenly there were bubbles

lots of lots of bubbles

and there was skyfull of joy

and there was divining music

and surrounding...

there was that happy feeling

and hopes and light and

heart beating...

she gazed at him

he gazed at her

love caring and just

all the things they say...

was there

in between he and her

gazing on each

And then the bubbles were gone

took some time but gone

one or two or three

or just 50 of those bubbles

on occasions

but yes...

the bubbles were gone

they weren't gazing

not anymore

They were drowning

Not gazing at each other

He felt happy, drowning with her

he felt complete whatsoever

after all, it was with her

but she was speechless

thinking, not gazing

she has to follow the dream

it’s not in the bottom

it’s up there in bubbles

she let him go and swim up

bubbles again… bubbles

he was still drowning

it was the end

and there was just one bubble

one last bubble

which came to her

but busy with the bubbles

she missed that one bubble

An unpleasant moment

I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time today. It was the most unpleasant moment since…. Well, I don’t know… a long time. And to be honest, I have a sadly toned empty feeling that my appearance there made the moment more dirty. Though I had no other option, I had to stay dumb. And I have to suffer myself for that!

What if you were blamed by your superior in front of another colleague? Yes it surely is the most horrible thing to imagine at the office. And I’m sure that you’ll not agree on that without a second thought. Not only you and me, the management standards or anyone into the management study won’t agree with that. But it’s how the public offices run and hence the country runs!

An administrative officer (A lady who’s being prepared to be in civil service) with over 25 years of experience blamed on a young officer (A young girl who was doing her first job) with just one year experience. That was not fare to the extreme as I noticed. But I had no option as mentioned before. Her fault was not important but something she was been notified before. She had done it again with her mistake and had to take the blame and it was awful. I was doing a file search on the computer in the adjoining compartment which is separated with just a glass without window blinds. So the superior knew I was there and wanted me to get the massage as well, not because I’m doing the same mistake but because she wanted to show off. I couldn’t go away since I had to download the file for tomorrow's reference. Her voice was noisy of course. If I was not there at the moment, the girl might not have heard that much crap. (Thanks Ingirisi)

As I’ve learned, read and experienced, this is not an acceptable behavior by any superior and not the way to win the employees. Affirmatively not the best way for manage. She should have talk to the girl and explained. But all she did was shouting like she was having a pain in the ass. And that’s how the problems are being solved here. I guess this is the same with all the government offices. If not, hell you are a happy one.

The admin officer mentioned that the young officer should have read the protocols for the issue and first understand the situation before asking for advice from her. And she also mentioned that she’s not worth doing the subject and she’s the most unworthy person in the section. WTF! Does anyone say that to someone? I’m not that much educated but yes I understood it’s not good!

And the girl was crying for half an hour and was ashamed of facing me. I tried to be like I never heard anything but I was just fooling myself.

What’s important is what I thought later. If the admin officer is offending someone inferior as not qualified for the post. What about herself? Does anyone superior to her notifying that? I guess not, that’s the problem with the government sector. Unqualified people for decision making posts. And they take decisions hence drag the entire system to chaos.

All they have is a certificate which they earned from sleepless cramming. Have they got the human essence? How can someone expect efficient service from anyone if he’s not satisfied with the environment? But that’s how it is.

That’s how human resource is managed in government sector.

My worthless Rs.500.00

Today I went to my doctor to get consulted (What the hell, are there any other reasons for me to go to a Doc?) on my asthma situation which strikes me occasionally in these cold days. He asked the same question repetitively mixing together. And finally gave me the same medicine which I took from him about 14 years ago. Yes, for asthma, this is the second time I'm consulting a doc for 14 years. And the damn same one! That's the miraculous power of that pill he gave me last time.

I’m just gossiping around without being to the point which caused me to write this.

After coming back, I posted an FB status update saying it took Rs. 500.00 away and I understood the real meaning of ‘Arogya parama labha’. A quote from the Buddha. It means ‘being healthy is profitable’ simply.

Then I realized it’s not worth sharing because I usually spend more than that in a month for alcohol plus sometimes for smoke. And I haven’t complained about that to anyone, not even to myself. I’m not even worrying of billing my expenses for alcohol, never will think of sharing something like “Spent Rs. 1000.00 for the party with my friends”. Regarding those expenses, this Rs. 500.00 after 14 years is negligible.
Then the real strike began. Am I unconsciously thinking that drinking is bad? Since that’s the sudden thought came in to me to avoid the sorrow of Rs. 500.00, am I really a cheater in drinking? It’s like saying this to myself. “You spend much more on worthless alcohol without a word and you just worry about this damn Rs. 500.00 which will gain your health back.” And it means I’m not approving my drinking habits.

I collapsed!

I gave it a thought and some weird ideas came in. There should be a way to get rid of this frustration on myself and on alcohol. So I rethought it as this. Expenses for drinking are usual and it’s something I need to bear in sharing time with my friends. And I do know that I have to allocate a fair amount from my salary for that. So it’s something like paying a monthly bill for me. It’s like an amount already allocated. That’s the reason for me to not be worried about it.

But this; for health I’m soooo much a lazy guy. I think the best medicine for me is sleeping and I say it affirmatively. Better rest will make your healthy issues go away.

But if the sleep goes for days, you better go for some med no matter the portion of balls you spend from your body. Otherwise the entire world will come to eat your brain.

selfishnesssssss!

Life is selfish itself. And that meaning is true even when applied to the whole concept of life. It's there to exist. By the means of existence life becomes selfish. As a person of selfish thoughts, it's hard to forget about the self and dedicate to others. Yes it's hard. And I bet that no one can totally exist by the means of others.

But one can chose to be or not to be for others. That's neither politics nor religious. Affirmatively not about being a good guy and be loved. It's hard to dedicate, especially without being benefitted. So living in a world mixed up is harder. One must have to give up himself for other while a part of him wants those others to get fucked off. So it's not an easy living for one which doesn't want to choose. Or just want everything (perhaps).

But when he's compromised with himself to be for another, he'll need to forget himself, for a moment at least. So when he is committed for someone else, he'll need to forget everything of himself...

...including others which he treats as himself.

Should those internal others sue him as a selfish freak?

I know this is bullshit. It's the most straightforward explanation for all this.

Pain is single sided!

Yes! love may be something worth sharing. But pain is single sided for sure. While everyone and even everything around you are trying to make you feel better, you are thinking that it's not gonna happen. And pain is still inside without being able to be cooled down.

The story is the same for the other side too. It's worth looking what the other side feels but since it's still single sided, You'll never find it out! The only even fact in both sides are that both sides are thinking the heavy side is theirs'. How ever the pain cannot be shared no matter who the person is. But it can be forgotten. Time is the best solution for that while those lots of other solutions are just make it crappy.

And still, the pain is single sided!

Let it be.

Each and every time this happens, I feel sorrow. And even if it's not my fault entirely, I'm taking the heavy side in to my shoulder and having suffered. Letting her to be cool down. Yes it's not her fault too but the situation is complicated as ever. That's how the things are and I'm wondering again about where the relationship of me and her is going to end up. Here we can never finger anyone while the other side always get the idea in an own special way. It's just like realizing something entirely different!

But the sorrow is painful regardless of the person. She is suffering as I know and she's not afraid of showing it irrespectively. Making me the idiot.

The ultimate thought I'm always being slapped is whether I'm fulfilling her dreams or not. As a person with no dreams at all and also as a person who wants to think just about the moment (even it's not possible at all), it's a hard life. And love is even harder after it became the same which I was being tired of. But when... again to the start, love is the reason I'm going to survive for. So love...

Could it be more than the same?

Do I have to stay calm as I'm being always? Does it solve the problem?

Or shall I let it be... as always...