Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 1 - A journey of a loner

Why people make kids? It's obvious that one cannot answer that just after a moments thought. Though it seems a simple question, It's actually a complex one to answer if you gave it a real thought. The simple and obvious reason is that there is no simple correct answer. Neither an incorrect one.

When I was in my first affair at the school age, I told her let's make two kids. That was a nasty, flowered and colored time with butterflies, tweeting birds and a lot of hype about 'love' we ideolized from romantic Hindi movies and we knew very little of the reality. And of course I was the smaller version of the child I am now at the time and life was not that much serious. Those affairs were started not because we really needed them but because everyone else were having one. All of the guys and gals were starting their relationships and I never wanted to be the lonely one even though I realized later, thats the kind of man I am. Thinking of those make me feel confused about the decisions I make today.

And yeah I got mocked by that girls' friend squad as a miserable person who doesn't seem to be the one appearing. As I WAS a loner and mostly minding my own thing, they must have thought I'm the same calm man inside. But I was not. Words and moments are needed when you want to love. And they had told her that I was in a hurry for the future. A family. Because we had our future planned with two kids at that little age.

After that, in those relationships came afterwards, the children count drop to one. And the talks about children were never serious. It was just a stable statement of that time regarding family life, even though I had never settled to get in to a family. But most of the girls were not in to that except the specific skinny girl at the BIT class. She told that she'd be satisfied with a single child as she doesn't believe her skinny body can bear more than one. I laughed mentioning that, her mother who came to drop her to the class was not skinny and she'd become like her mother one day.

But as I remember, other girls never even had an idea about that. They were typical girls you see everywhere. They think they are specific but I was sure that they'd fall in to the same character their mothers were. Just a bit upgraded.

During the years, I met various people in various mindsets. I think that early 2000s was the time I got matured in many ways. Identifying people, dealing with many type of them. Finding a safer state to stand on etc.. etc... And my ideas about a family and kids were also evolved. I newer wanted to get into a married life. And children? Sorry. No children. So, the topic never appeared after that with the girls. In-fact, the whole idea of being in a relationship was deteriorated. I was good being alone.

Till I found this girl online. She was also a bit miserable, individual, had many versions, many unique thoughts on many things. We had many discussions about many things and man that was a time I even love to be back again today.

And slowly as I understood her, she electrified me repairing the old drained veins inside and made me pop the question.

Her answer was effected on the decision we took to get tangled and ultimately get married. But many interesting things we found in each other meant we could lead to a great life together. (Well, define 'great'. Is it wealthiness or peace of mind or something else?) But upon the things we agreed, 'having no kids' was one. We had it clearly decided.

To be continued...

Emptiness!

https://www.quora.com/Whos-more-likeable-The-Road-Runner-or-Wile-E-Coyote

Dear unknown friend,

You know I tried to explain this but it's really hard. Emptiness of me. It's not the same emptiness what you have. What you described and what I understood via the movie 'Addicted'. My emptiness is something different. It's like understanding that there is nothing to gain. And having to live with people who want to gain. Adjusting myself for them while being empty and undesired inside.

It's like looking for something so desperately. Then finding it and realising that there is nothing ahead. What if someone doesn't have anything to posess?

I think you remember the cartoon Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote runs behind the Roadrunner and trying to catch it with various scientific and unimaginable ways. And then he never get succeeded. But before few years back I saw Facebook post with images. It's about what happens to Coyote when it catches the roadrunner. He is becoming desperate. In his entire life, he's been chasing the roadrunner and it was what he had in his mind for his entire life time. So he couldn't imagine that he has a life beyond chasing Roadrunner. Only after the Roadrunner is caught and eaten by him, he realises that now his life has no meaning at all.

That's the Emptiness I have. That's the Emptiness I am trying to resolve. It's hard because I have only spend one third of my life and I have responsibilities at least for few people. But I have nothing to expect to be happened to me. For the rest of my life.

And I am worrying because of the people around me who still loves me and expecting from me. Even though they don't expect, it's my responsibility. It has become my responsibility. So it's hard for an Empty person to be the responsible person.

Thinking about that also flushes me towards a black hole where I stuck and being miserable and being empty.

Things you find in the beach

http://www.waddingtonbrown.co.uk/events/wellbeing-approach-better-mental-health/

Beach is my friend. It's vast opening just to air, water and sand makes me feel lightened. And maybe giving a calm state of mind to consider things in at least few other angles.

I remember the very first time I was at the sea. I was about 5 and the beach was around Negombo I guess. We were at Katunayaka for a wedding of a cousin. She was way more older than me. And she was the daughter of one of my Fathers elder brothers. I was there with my aunt and few other relations from my home town. And from as a boy from up country grew in a mountain surrounded town, I was freaked in many ways to experience the sea.

I remember riding a bike with Akki, Bappa and Sanaa Aiya. Sanaa Aiya was also a cousin way older than me and he was the younger brother of the cousin which was up to got married. Four of us rid the bike to beach and I was freaked to death at the very first time because I felt I was dragged to the water by the waves under my feet.

And it was there for a very long time until I figure out it's just the movement of sand I feel.

When the waves sweep back to the sea, under your feet, you struggle a bit to keep straight. At least you feel it happens. But there's nothing you can do about it. Does it mean you are helpless?

It says beach heals wounds. It's scientifically correct in a way because salt can kill germs in wounds. But what if you don't need the wound to be cured? What if an old wound is something we like to keep fresh by poking it time to time. What if the wound keeps coming back even if we wanted it to be cured. What if the wound reminds you of sweet memories? The joy of the memory surpasses the pain from the wound and yeah, welcome old wounds!

Beach would not be able to cure a wound unless you don't want it to. It'll just drag the sand back to sea under your feet. And you know when it does because you feel it. Because you are a human being.

Sometimes being ignorant is the key to survival. Letting things flow under your feet sometimes keeps you away from the danger. Sometimes less you know is better. Or keeping the things you know aside and stay foolish is also better for the equilibrium. Or is it?

Does equilibrium matters?

When reality strikes!

theodysseyonline.com/is-this-all-real

It's what I always wanted. kick the reality off and live in a dream. I'm being succeeded in ways but have failed at most of the times.

There's nothing to do about it when it strikes than expressing the tension. The tension of being an unabled inside the cruel reality.

Reality...

It's harder than anything I find. Always harder than the hardest thing. It's simply the ultimate. And when it strikes, it strikes harder than ever. Wanting one to be depressed and just switch off to wild.

And wild being also a part of reality, there's no way to go other than facing it. Facing the ruthless truth of loneliness. No matter what or who you have around, in reality you are alone.

Democratic Marriage

Weird topic. You might not have had any thought about it even if you are a married person.

Does democracy exists in typical Sri Lankan marriages? If it does, to what extent? I usually see couples with arguments or total obedience from one part. There are exceptions but those are really weird relationships and surely not democratic.

Does anyone have to take things into hand and decide what the other need? It's dictatorship when it comes to politics. But in a marriage, is it the only way to keep things go smoothly?

The dictator part is usually done by the man. Not the women. Unless it's about who has the real dick in the family. Yes it could be the woman.

Somehow it seems, to be able to run a family smoothly and with complements from the fucking society, a dictator is a must in the family.

Otherwise it'll be weird and the democratic will be treated as a weak freak obviously.

So does listening and giving equal choice to your counterpart would cause you problems when it comes to family matters?

Seems democracy in relationships is just an illusion only pathetic lovers have in their dreams.

Bubbles

geethaprodhom.wordpress.com

Suddenly there were bubbles

lots of lots of bubbles

and there was skyfull of joy

and there was divining music

and surrounding...

there was that happy feeling

and hopes and light and

heart beating...

she gazed at him

he gazed at her

love caring and just

all the things they say...

was there

in between he and her

gazing on each

And then the bubbles were gone

took some time but gone

one or two or three

or just 50 of those bubbles

on occasions

but yes...

the bubbles were gone

they weren't gazing

not anymore

They were drowning

Not gazing at each other

He felt happy, drowning with her

he felt complete whatsoever

after all, it was with her

but she was speechless

thinking, not gazing

she has to follow the dream

it’s not in the bottom

it’s up there in bubbles

she let him go and swim up

bubbles again… bubbles

he was still drowning

it was the end

and there was just one bubble

one last bubble

which came to her

but busy with the bubbles

she missed that one bubble

An unpleasant moment

I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time today. It was the most unpleasant moment since…. Well, I don’t know… a long time. And to be honest, I have a sadly toned empty feeling that my appearance there made the moment more dirty. Though I had no other option, I had to stay dumb. And I have to suffer myself for that!

What if you were blamed by your superior in front of another colleague? Yes it surely is the most horrible thing to imagine at the office. And I’m sure that you’ll not agree on that without a second thought. Not only you and me, the management standards or anyone into the management study won’t agree with that. But it’s how the public offices run and hence the country runs!

An administrative officer (A lady who’s being prepared to be in civil service) with over 25 years of experience blamed on a young officer (A young girl who was doing her first job) with just one year experience. That was not fare to the extreme as I noticed. But I had no option as mentioned before. Her fault was not important but something she was been notified before. She had done it again with her mistake and had to take the blame and it was awful. I was doing a file search on the computer in the adjoining compartment which is separated with just a glass without window blinds. So the superior knew I was there and wanted me to get the massage as well, not because I’m doing the same mistake but because she wanted to show off. I couldn’t go away since I had to download the file for tomorrow's reference. Her voice was noisy of course. If I was not there at the moment, the girl might not have heard that much crap. (Thanks Ingirisi)

As I’ve learned, read and experienced, this is not an acceptable behavior by any superior and not the way to win the employees. Affirmatively not the best way for manage. She should have talk to the girl and explained. But all she did was shouting like she was having a pain in the ass. And that’s how the problems are being solved here. I guess this is the same with all the government offices. If not, hell you are a happy one.

The admin officer mentioned that the young officer should have read the protocols for the issue and first understand the situation before asking for advice from her. And she also mentioned that she’s not worth doing the subject and she’s the most unworthy person in the section. WTF! Does anyone say that to someone? I’m not that much educated but yes I understood it’s not good!

And the girl was crying for half an hour and was ashamed of facing me. I tried to be like I never heard anything but I was just fooling myself.

What’s important is what I thought later. If the admin officer is offending someone inferior as not qualified for the post. What about herself? Does anyone superior to her notifying that? I guess not, that’s the problem with the government sector. Unqualified people for decision making posts. And they take decisions hence drag the entire system to chaos.

All they have is a certificate which they earned from sleepless cramming. Have they got the human essence? How can someone expect efficient service from anyone if he’s not satisfied with the environment? But that’s how it is.

That’s how human resource is managed in government sector.

My worthless Rs.500.00

Today I went to my doctor to get consulted (What the hell, are there any other reasons for me to go to a Doc?) on my asthma situation which strikes me occasionally in these cold days. He asked the same question repetitively mixing together. And finally gave me the same medicine which I took from him about 14 years ago. Yes, for asthma, this is the second time I'm consulting a doc for 14 years. And the damn same one! That's the miraculous power of that pill he gave me last time.

I’m just gossiping around without being to the point which caused me to write this.

After coming back, I posted an FB status update saying it took Rs. 500.00 away and I understood the real meaning of ‘Arogya parama labha’. A quote from the Buddha. It means ‘being healthy is profitable’ simply.

Then I realized it’s not worth sharing because I usually spend more than that in a month for alcohol plus sometimes for smoke. And I haven’t complained about that to anyone, not even to myself. I’m not even worrying of billing my expenses for alcohol, never will think of sharing something like “Spent Rs. 1000.00 for the party with my friends”. Regarding those expenses, this Rs. 500.00 after 14 years is negligible.
Then the real strike began. Am I unconsciously thinking that drinking is bad? Since that’s the sudden thought came in to me to avoid the sorrow of Rs. 500.00, am I really a cheater in drinking? It’s like saying this to myself. “You spend much more on worthless alcohol without a word and you just worry about this damn Rs. 500.00 which will gain your health back.” And it means I’m not approving my drinking habits.

I collapsed!

I gave it a thought and some weird ideas came in. There should be a way to get rid of this frustration on myself and on alcohol. So I rethought it as this. Expenses for drinking are usual and it’s something I need to bear in sharing time with my friends. And I do know that I have to allocate a fair amount from my salary for that. So it’s something like paying a monthly bill for me. It’s like an amount already allocated. That’s the reason for me to not be worried about it.

But this; for health I’m soooo much a lazy guy. I think the best medicine for me is sleeping and I say it affirmatively. Better rest will make your healthy issues go away.

But if the sleep goes for days, you better go for some med no matter the portion of balls you spend from your body. Otherwise the entire world will come to eat your brain.

selfishnesssssss!

Life is selfish itself. And that meaning is true even when applied to the whole concept of life. It's there to exist. By the means of existence life becomes selfish. As a person of selfish thoughts, it's hard to forget about the self and dedicate to others. Yes it's hard. And I bet that no one can totally exist by the means of others.

But one can chose to be or not to be for others. That's neither politics nor religious. Affirmatively not about being a good guy and be loved. It's hard to dedicate, especially without being benefitted. So living in a world mixed up is harder. One must have to give up himself for other while a part of him wants those others to get fucked off. So it's not an easy living for one which doesn't want to choose. Or just want everything (perhaps).

But when he's compromised with himself to be for another, he'll need to forget himself, for a moment at least. So when he is committed for someone else, he'll need to forget everything of himself...

...including others which he treats as himself.

Should those internal others sue him as a selfish freak?

I know this is bullshit. It's the most straightforward explanation for all this.

Happiness standardized!

I am being happy and happiness is the key keeps us alive and running. Unless we might not be this much around and talking even with the world outside the internet. Somehow people are trying to be in a happy mood all the time and being happy is the main point of living as people say.

What I see for a long time is that the happiness is standardized! People are doing the same thing to be happy and they are correct as far as the activity make them happy. But is it the real happiness?

I have no idea and I'm not pointing my finger at anyone because I have no right to question anyone's happiness. Whether it is standardized or not, it's that person which is being happy and I have no right to ask him why.

But I see they are doing what their neighbour does to be happy and they just believe by doing what THE OTHER does will make them happy but is it really the truth? Isn't it just the feeling of being higher than THE OTHER. Isn't it miserable?

People are happy with their families, education, jobs and achievements and yet the happiness is far beyond.

What is happiness at all rather than being high. I guess not being anything or anyone will surely make us happy for free.

Perfect person...

All the people are thinking to be perfect. As we speak, write, think and even in some tiny things we do not really care... we want to be perfect. And the styles each of ourselves got are developed since we were a child and made us to be a perfect one...

So we believe we are perfect unconsciously and always wanting to avoid others finding a point of weakness. We really do! But the problem is, in an ever developing ever cumulating world, no one is perfect and no one can try... We are shown some religious idols which are meant to believe as perfect and we are guided by those religions to be as possible as them. To be perfect.

But we never follow them! We cannot and as I believe, those idols were not as much perfect as they made to.

So.... have you ever suffered from being wrong? Something you've done, something you've said, something you've written and read by hundreds of people...? Have you had the laughter of others? have you been humiliated by others by a fault you made...

I must say I have... a great deal of times I have... And I cannot assure that those moments have made me learn and have made me a complete person. I still get wrong sometimes and I know the same weak point have made me mistaken...

It's hard to find a perfect person who haven't intervened in such a situation and hence no one is perfect...

Point is, When one got wrong, the entire set of others are write! So the blame is more powerful... and what if one is right and all the others are wrong? I think the result is same....

Life : A tree....

Living on life is just like climbing a tree... to win, we must climb up to the top branch and we have to know how much strong the top branch to hold us. Not everyone can win since the selection is optional. The branches we choose are the guide itself to the path it reaches. So it's not guaranteed everyone will reach the top. Some will stay at the end of horizontal branch thinking he has won. Some may look around and realize there are some more branches upside and find a way to get to them.

All are in the ceaseless journey to the top of the tree and the tree itself grows alone.

After all it's all a comparative game we play... If one need to stop, still he might made wanted to need to climb to the top.

It's how it happens. We'll just need to remember to check the branch before step in. Coz it might be a dead weak branch.

Blog history

When I started blogging in sinhala, I used to write at least once a week or maybe some more. Then the rate dropped slightly when the ideas were no more bloggable. It doesn't mean the idea is not worth blogging but the weight it felt to me is not that much special to think as that it should be posted. It's the nature of the people. As every new thing comes to our life is much appreciated and hugged but after a few days it becomes usual and being not that much special. I cared for my mobile phone a lot when the days I brought it but after sometime it was nothing more than a phone to me.

I think it's the same theory with the ideas too. When a blog started and after we started blogging, It becomes our passion and we live on it for sometime. Since it makes us a little domain of ours to work with and because we get the appreciation we seek, Blogging make us available... for the rest of the world to see. And it's a kind of a place which we can pretend as the person we really want to be.

In my case, I was just using my yahoo mail account to forward mails and internet was nothing more to me. I've been doing that for almost 5-6 years until one day around April 2008, I got the membership of a local community site. It was a turning point of my life and that decision changed my life forever. Within few months I became a blogger and was enjoying it very much. As I mentioned earlier, it was the way I made myself cleared. The way I spared my thoughts and stuff.

After I met a girl, She vampired me and all my thoughts were pumping directly in to her. There was no need for me to write a blog since I was not having any thoughts left.

I still have the girl with me and the pumping process is not the same today. So there are some leftovers available.

Action is needed for Dengue

A friend of my office is in trouble for few weeks and during the last few days, It has became a problem of ours too. His wife is suffering with dengue and in a critical situation. Her lever is infected and the brain too. Thankfully she was a nurse and we are directly administrating the health services in the district hence she is specially treated. She was pregnant before to identify her illness as dengue and the child was taken out in a surgery. Child also was not healthy and still treats in an incubator.

Few days back doctors have said she will not be able to recover and there isn't anything they can do except waiting for a miracle. Then there was another injection or something they found which will control her bad situation but since it was expensive and rare, they took some time to find it.

Our staff is doing Bodhi Poojas every evening for 3 days and still there is no good news. And day by day there is a death happening caused by the dengue.

My friend is about 32 years old and his wife is just 29. They've got their whole future ahead with a 3 year old daughter and the new born child. If the things went wrong, It'll be a terrible shock for us all.

I'm very sad! and sad indeed about all the people... There are few more with the same issue and their lives are hanged in a thin thread.

Once when we needed to make people's mind about the bravery of the soldiers, there was a national plan for that and the idea pumped to people's heads by the media. When there was nothing on their minds.

I still can't understand why the government do not understand this dengue situation is something more like the war we once had. It is a war and people are the reason. Their habits of their living nature and how they treat the nature is the reason for this and to change that, we have to understand it as a war indeed. Media should make news of it and have to make people working on it. They have to pump the idea again and continue pumping. Otherwise as one of the critics of the sinhelese said, we'll forget it the next week.

There must be an action taken immediately to make people understand. And still it seems nothing happening.