Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 2 - how much you know of your partner

I never wanted a typical married life then. And even now I think marriage destroys relationships. It pulls flying people to ground and glue them tight without letting them fly again. And then it continues as a typical "marriage". Things as bills, various expenses, monthly commitments and family responsibilities become the main reason to be together than anything else. Didn't want that. Didn't wanna kill myself. Wanted to keep loving. Wanted a perfect love. And that's the idiot I was. Should have known that there is no such thing as perfect love.

But in Sri Lanka, there's no possible way of living like that. Whether you like it or not, if you want to have sex with the woman you love, unless it's a sex intedded one, you have to marry her. And let her parents be happily sleeping knowing their daughter holding hands with a legally bonded man. Also for your parents to be satisfied ultimately, thinking their son will behave responsibly and follow the targets to become a man accumilating stuff as wealth, which they consider as the key to prosperity.

So we had to think and decide whether we want to live together for the foreseeable future. The decision was firm and we never talked about it much then and even after, until recently.

And that question lead to many things.

I thought to ask her whether we should consider about a kid because I felt she was suffering from being a No-child woman. But I never had any idea how deep her feelings could have been hurt on that matter. Sometimes I couldn't even tollerate people asking about kids from me. Those people get amazed by hearing that we don't have kids even after being married for 5 years. Some people have tried to convince me to go to see a specific monk or a doctor who treats for those situations. No kids situations. And believe me there are a lot of married couples who are in need of kids and don't have the capacity. It's some kind of a physical or mental problem and there are a lot of people doing treatmets for that. In fact it's kind of an industry. But I don't know how many couples succeeded following those.

So when a couple don't want kids by their choice, people can't beleive it. I got used to keep my mouth shut than trying to explain it to people who ask. Because lot of people don't really know about having a choice. And I knew she had been facing the same situation double time.

She never talked much but I felt her sorrow in occasions when the subject was on the table. Maybe it's not entirely on that, it seems she got bored on how her life moves on. And I'm sure she was bored of me too. As for every other couple, boredom was slowly overcoming our lives. So the question I asked about children lead to many other questions about our relationship. After many heart breaking sessions, for good or bad, life continues. Still!

Problem is, is she strong enough to face the society as a no-mother? She seems to be standing firm in many other cases, but this is in a different level and I'm not sure how she handles that. What if she's sufering under her blanket? What if she secretly blaming me and her self, and our marriage?

For me to have kids, there's no reason other than the need to keep the relationship with her intact. (Poor me, I thought she'll never leave me if we had a baby) If a baby is going to add additional stability to our lives, I'd probably enjoy being in it. But as per the experience so far with the people, I don't think a kid is the ideal solution to keep the stability of a family.

Breaking bad! Half cooked notes!

It's all of what they say. It deserves to be one of the best TV series, period. So I'm not gonna talk about the typical aspects and details of the series.

But I want to talk about how my mind worked through the episodes. Not much but there's nothing coming to mind to upload on this page.

To put it in a single sentence, it's about the struggle, struggle of the people for the couse of there lives which they believe that they live for.

it's ironic how Walter White kind of lose the very expectation of his life. Losing his wife and kids over some stupid disbelief. And I hated his wife for that. But she cannot be blamed. It's what any woman may do. The only problem with her is that she didn't give WW a chance to prove himself worthy of what he did.

Wife moving on with another man means doing the same thing against her husband. As back to back for husband which she believed had an affair with a second phone line. And that means the unfaithfulness can lead to many disasters. And how Walter handled the situation is totally acceptable because of the culture. If it happened is SL or in a country with a similar cultural background, which treats the family as a holy one, the family will be ripped apart badly by the situation.

And Skyler not giving enough chance to WW to explain him self is the key to extend the story.

Love the intro music and those spanish songs throughout.

What is the character of his elder son Walter junior, he doesn't add much to the story. But he's like a catalyst. The entire family revolves around him in critical situations. And thus advances the story. The character of Hank, the DEA agent being a relative seems odd but it also does a main part in advancing the story. The story could be built the same way even if those were not there. but those are smart character placements. They are balancing the story.

WJ is balancing the family but he cannot go to extremes due to his physical state. If he was a fully capable kid, he would have follow his father and mother maybe and spoil the whole thing. But he's not and he's kind of sticking the family together from the start. He's the reason the white family being together after all. Maybe even from the beginning.

All the characters are well played. And without arguments i can say my favourite character is Jessie. Aaron Paul is excellent in this character. He's pronounce, eyes, and moods are really excellent. And it even wanted me to watch some his other performances.

Can't accept the mistakes WW giving out. There were not much and don't remember enough to mention the exact moments but there were some unacceptable plot holes to continue the story. But as a smart person like WW cannot be like that.

If we started the whole story from a middle, we won't find Walter a promising one since we have no idea of his motives to be the person he become. We might not make him the hero but a criminal. Ironic.

Obsession can ruin you. In the last season, WW's obsession with the business and Skyler's obsession with what happened with Ted ruins their lives.

It's like a wound that newer cures. You don't let it be cured. You poke it with a fork and thus keep it a wound.

OMG the star trek dialog by two meth heads amazed me as a Trekkie.

Actually these notes were just typed while watching the series about 4 months ago and when I had the time to post, didn't remember why I wrote some lines. So this is just a half cooked post.

Love, Marriage, Family and Children - Part 1 - A journey of a loner

Why people make kids? It's obvious that one cannot answer that just after a moments thought. Though it seems a simple question, It's actually a complex one to answer if you gave it a real thought. The simple and obvious reason is that there is no simple correct answer. Neither an incorrect one.

When I was in my first affair at the school age, I told her let's make two kids. That was a nasty, flowered and colored time with butterflies, tweeting birds and a lot of hype about 'love' we ideolized from romantic Hindi movies and we knew very little of the reality. And of course I was the smaller version of the child I am now at the time and life was not that much serious. Those affairs were started not because we really needed them but because everyone else were having one. All of the guys and gals were starting their relationships and I never wanted to be the lonely one even though I realized later, thats the kind of man I am. Thinking of those make me feel confused about the decisions I make today.

And yeah I got mocked by that girls' friend squad as a miserable person who doesn't seem to be the one appearing. As I WAS a loner and mostly minding my own thing, they must have thought I'm the same calm man inside. But I was not. Words and moments are needed when you want to love. And they had told her that I was in a hurry for the future. A family. Because we had our future planned with two kids at that little age.

After that, in those relationships came afterwards, the children count drop to one. And the talks about children were never serious. It was just a stable statement of that time regarding family life, even though I had never settled to get in to a family. But most of the girls were not in to that except the specific skinny girl at the BIT class. She told that she'd be satisfied with a single child as she doesn't believe her skinny body can bear more than one. I laughed mentioning that, her mother who came to drop her to the class was not skinny and she'd become like her mother one day.

But as I remember, other girls never even had an idea about that. They were typical girls you see everywhere. They think they are specific but I was sure that they'd fall in to the same character their mothers were. Just a bit upgraded.

During the years, I met various people in various mindsets. I think that early 2000s was the time I got matured in many ways. Identifying people, dealing with many type of them. Finding a safer state to stand on etc.. etc... And my ideas about a family and kids were also evolved. I newer wanted to get into a married life. And children? Sorry. No children. So, the topic never appeared after that with the girls. In-fact, the whole idea of being in a relationship was deteriorated. I was good being alone.

Till I found this girl online. She was also a bit miserable, individual, had many versions, many unique thoughts on many things. We had many discussions about many things and man that was a time I even love to be back again today.

And slowly as I understood her, she electrified me repairing the old drained veins inside and made me pop the question.

Her answer was effected on the decision we took to get tangled and ultimately get married. But many interesting things we found in each other meant we could lead to a great life together. (Well, define 'great'. Is it wealthiness or peace of mind or something else?) But upon the things we agreed, 'having no kids' was one. We had it clearly decided.

To be continued...

Sorry and Thanks

When things are not right, sorry and thanks are the words to keep the relationship intact. When it is not right, the participants tend to misunderstand each other so they always say sorry and also when things are not right participants want to show the gratitude intentionally so they use thanks more often. That's why sorry and thanks are the saviours of a drying relationship

Absolute reality

Absolute reality can't be told. If someone say something and say it's true, it's not. It's just another altered version of the absolute truth. In fact absolute truth is not existing once it's happened. Every told story of it is not real. Just the version of the story teller. Thing is there could be an entire other truth out there.

This way the truth is always changing. Because a new version is made soon after it repeated. The repeated version is a new version. Not an exact copy.

A perfect clone cannot be made.

And if we took the meaning of the words into the account, we may want to know the absolute true meaning of each word. So the idea is chaos in itself. So an argument can be raised as that there is no absolute reality. I agree, should there be an absolute one?

Actually it doesn't matter.

All that matters is the reality cannot be told as it is. The only practical part is that no one tells the truth.

Emptiness!

https://www.quora.com/Whos-more-likeable-The-Road-Runner-or-Wile-E-Coyote

Dear unknown friend,

You know I tried to explain this but it's really hard. Emptiness of me. It's not the same emptiness what you have. What you described and what I understood via the movie 'Addicted'. My emptiness is something different. It's like understanding that there is nothing to gain. And having to live with people who want to gain. Adjusting myself for them while being empty and undesired inside.

It's like looking for something so desperately. Then finding it and realising that there is nothing ahead. What if someone doesn't have anything to posess?

I think you remember the cartoon Roadrunner where Wile E. Coyote runs behind the Roadrunner and trying to catch it with various scientific and unimaginable ways. And then he never get succeeded. But before few years back I saw Facebook post with images. It's about what happens to Coyote when it catches the roadrunner. He is becoming desperate. In his entire life, he's been chasing the roadrunner and it was what he had in his mind for his entire life time. So he couldn't imagine that he has a life beyond chasing Roadrunner. Only after the Roadrunner is caught and eaten by him, he realises that now his life has no meaning at all.

That's the Emptiness I have. That's the Emptiness I am trying to resolve. It's hard because I have only spend one third of my life and I have responsibilities at least for few people. But I have nothing to expect to be happened to me. For the rest of my life.

And I am worrying because of the people around me who still loves me and expecting from me. Even though they don't expect, it's my responsibility. It has become my responsibility. So it's hard for an Empty person to be the responsible person.

Thinking about that also flushes me towards a black hole where I stuck and being miserable and being empty.

Things you find in the beach

http://www.waddingtonbrown.co.uk/events/wellbeing-approach-better-mental-health/

Beach is my friend. It's vast opening just to air, water and sand makes me feel lightened. And maybe giving a calm state of mind to consider things in at least few other angles.

I remember the very first time I was at the sea. I was about 5 and the beach was around Negombo I guess. We were at Katunayaka for a wedding of a cousin. She was way more older than me. And she was the daughter of one of my Fathers elder brothers. I was there with my aunt and few other relations from my home town. And from as a boy from up country grew in a mountain surrounded town, I was freaked in many ways to experience the sea.

I remember riding a bike with Akki, Bappa and Sanaa Aiya. Sanaa Aiya was also a cousin way older than me and he was the younger brother of the cousin which was up to got married. Four of us rid the bike to beach and I was freaked to death at the very first time because I felt I was dragged to the water by the waves under my feet.

And it was there for a very long time until I figure out it's just the movement of sand I feel.

When the waves sweep back to the sea, under your feet, you struggle a bit to keep straight. At least you feel it happens. But there's nothing you can do about it. Does it mean you are helpless?

It says beach heals wounds. It's scientifically correct in a way because salt can kill germs in wounds. But what if you don't need the wound to be cured? What if an old wound is something we like to keep fresh by poking it time to time. What if the wound keeps coming back even if we wanted it to be cured. What if the wound reminds you of sweet memories? The joy of the memory surpasses the pain from the wound and yeah, welcome old wounds!

Beach would not be able to cure a wound unless you don't want it to. It'll just drag the sand back to sea under your feet. And you know when it does because you feel it. Because you are a human being.

Sometimes being ignorant is the key to survival. Letting things flow under your feet sometimes keeps you away from the danger. Sometimes less you know is better. Or keeping the things you know aside and stay foolish is also better for the equilibrium. Or is it?

Does equilibrium matters?

Bonds

Hate will kill the love

Which is still there

Is it worth being responsible

For a marriage which is sick

As you say prayers

Love is just words

Marriage could be artificial

While actual love is elsewhere

How much the truth is bitter

Can't hide without facing

The truth only you know

Why hiding it with a lie

It could be a blood or word bond

But there's no meaning without trust

If unbounding frees life unlimited

Why still living with this bond

When reality strikes!

theodysseyonline.com/is-this-all-real

It's what I always wanted. kick the reality off and live in a dream. I'm being succeeded in ways but have failed at most of the times.

There's nothing to do about it when it strikes than expressing the tension. The tension of being an unabled inside the cruel reality.

Reality...

It's harder than anything I find. Always harder than the hardest thing. It's simply the ultimate. And when it strikes, it strikes harder than ever. Wanting one to be depressed and just switch off to wild.

And wild being also a part of reality, there's no way to go other than facing it. Facing the ruthless truth of loneliness. No matter what or who you have around, in reality you are alone.

Democratic Marriage

Weird topic. You might not have had any thought about it even if you are a married person.

Does democracy exists in typical Sri Lankan marriages? If it does, to what extent? I usually see couples with arguments or total obedience from one part. There are exceptions but those are really weird relationships and surely not democratic.

Does anyone have to take things into hand and decide what the other need? It's dictatorship when it comes to politics. But in a marriage, is it the only way to keep things go smoothly?

The dictator part is usually done by the man. Not the women. Unless it's about who has the real dick in the family. Yes it could be the woman.

Somehow it seems, to be able to run a family smoothly and with complements from the fucking society, a dictator is a must in the family.

Otherwise it'll be weird and the democratic will be treated as a weak freak obviously.

So does listening and giving equal choice to your counterpart would cause you problems when it comes to family matters?

Seems democracy in relationships is just an illusion only pathetic lovers have in their dreams.

Bubbles

geethaprodhom.wordpress.com

Suddenly there were bubbles

lots of lots of bubbles

and there was skyfull of joy

and there was divining music

and surrounding...

there was that happy feeling

and hopes and light and

heart beating...

she gazed at him

he gazed at her

love caring and just

all the things they say...

was there

in between he and her

gazing on each

And then the bubbles were gone

took some time but gone

one or two or three

or just 50 of those bubbles

on occasions

but yes...

the bubbles were gone

they weren't gazing

not anymore

They were drowning

Not gazing at each other

He felt happy, drowning with her

he felt complete whatsoever

after all, it was with her

but she was speechless

thinking, not gazing

she has to follow the dream

it’s not in the bottom

it’s up there in bubbles

she let him go and swim up

bubbles again… bubbles

he was still drowning

it was the end

and there was just one bubble

one last bubble

which came to her

but busy with the bubbles

she missed that one bubble